Banana Nut Bread
by KnottedEnergy
Summary: Peeta hears how Katniss is doing in Dist. 12. He wants to join her there, but he's not ready to face Katniss or Dist. 12, or is he? 1st chapt. is Peeta and Dr. Aurelius talking. Later ones are about Peeta, Katniss & Delly
1. Banana Nut Bread

POV: Dr. Aurelius (Story contains multiple POVs)

Peeta arrived on time, carrying a loaf of bread under his arm. "It's banana nut," he announced. "I thought that it would be the most appropriate for a psychiatrist."

He smiled widely.

I thought about the videos of Peeta being interviewed by Caesar Flickerman. Yes, this was Peeta's pattern. He often made jokes before becoming gravely serious. I wondered what weighty topic he had on his mind for today's session. At least he was baking again. It seemed to make him feel useful and keep his mind distracted. Peeta was living in an apartment building set up for soldiers recovering from wounds, both physical and psychological. I'd heard that he was baking enough for the whole building and then some.

"Thank you Peeta. I will enjoy it with the family tonight. How are you doing?"

"I got a call from Haymitch yesterday," he said." Katniss is not eating, bathing or leaving her house. Have you talked to her?" he asks.

Ah, here's the grave topic. So Haymitch has upset Peeta with information about Katniss that's disturbing. What is Haymitch thinking? We have enough to worry about with Katniss. Peeta decompensating is certainly not what we need right now.

"She doesn't answer the phone when I call, unfortunately," I confide in Peeta.

"Haymitch says he doesn't go over there for fear of making things worse. An older woman that we know is trying to take care of Katniss, but I don't think it's working." Peeta paused, tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair. The pause was a long one for someone who usually talks through the whole session.

"I'm worried she might try to kill herself again," he finally said. "Even if she doesn't, I think she might die from not eating enough. That's really just a slow form of suicide," Peeta said softly. "I took the poison capsule away from Katniss at the public execution of Snow, but I couldn't make her stop wanting to die."

"It's possible that Katniss is suicidal," I said. "It's also possible that she's not. Even if she is suicidal, she might not act on those feelings again. I'll call Haymitch this afternoon and discuss the situation. Maybe I can talk to the older woman too. We need to reevaluate what we are doing for Katniss," I offered.

"You know, I watched Katniss almost die when we were kids. That was the first time I saw her life in jeopardy. Did I ever tell you about that?" Peeta asked.

"No."

"After the mine accident that killed Mr. Everdeen, I watched Katniss at school to see if she was okay. She wasn't. She was very sad. Her face was simply expressionless most of the time. The only time she cheered up much was when she was with Prim. Katniss got pale and lost weight. I was 12 years old, and I was old enough to notice that Katniss had started to look more… like a woman…in the year before her father died. She lost all that…you know...when she lost so much weight…" Peeta's face started to turn red.

It was always interesting to see what embarrassed people from different districts. District 12's people seem particularly embarrassed about their sexuality. That's ironic because most people I've treated from District 12 are deeply emotional and able to express feelings about other topics readily. They are often eloquent despite their simplistic way of life. When it comes to talking about their bodies and sexuality though, they have great difficulty.

At times Peeta and Katniss had kissed passionately in front of the entire country, but they never talked about it. I imagined that they didn't talk about it even between themselves. They simply did it. I used to think that people in District 12 just didn't have the vocabulary for discussing sexuality, but Peeta had started to talk about it vaguely. That was good since many of his issues were about Katniss, the girl he'd seemingly always loved. Peeta went on, despite his obvious embarrassment.

"…and she started to look like a little girl again...skinny…straight up and down." He motioned his hands in vertical lines. "Her cheeks started to look a little hollow. One day I saw her clutch a doorway to keep herself steady. She looked like she was going to faint. She leaned up against a wall for support on another day. I'd seen all those signs before. Usually kids who started getting weak like that were dead in a matter of weeks. Kids died of starvation all the time in 12, and it was always sad. Watching Katniss nearly die? It was horrible.

Prim's appearance didn't change much. I suspected that Katniss was giving most of the little food that they had to Prim. I wondered if Katniss had considered what Prim was going to do without her. I wanted to help Katniss, but I didn't know what to do. So I prayed her mother would find work and that Katniss would find a safe way to get food. There was a peacekeeper who paid girls to…do things…to him. I prayed that he wouldn't bother Katniss. Thinking of her being used that way was unbearable. I wanted to protect her, but I was a child myself."

I nodded. Yes, he was a child, I thought. He didn't have much food either. None of them did in 12. Peeta continued.

"Then Katniss missed several days of school. Sometimes mothers in 12 would go to wake up their children and find them dead. I imagined Katniss lying dead, cold and alone on a bed in the Seam. I couldn't get the image out of my mind. When someone died in 12, the family put a wreath of vines on the door of the house. It mostly symbolized eternal love between family members and the intertwining of the community in supporting the people grieving."

"Hmmmm…." I said with a nod. I thought about what a lovely tradition the wreaths are. These people from 12 are very emotionally intelligent. District 13 residents really would do well to intermarry with them as President Coin had wanted.

Peeta sighed sadly, probably mourning his home. Then he continued.

"Anyway, one afternoon I went down to the Seam to see if there was a wreath on the Everdeen's front door, but I didn't know my way around the Seam. I never found the right house. The next day was the day Katniss showed up in our backyard looking through the trash. Having spent days worrying myself sick over Katniss, I knew I had to do something drastic to help her. What Katniss said in that tape you saw is true. I gave her almost two whole loaves of bread. I deliberately burned them, but I don't know if Katniss knows that. My mother hit me for it, but she was always hitting us. It just hurt more than usual.

The next day at school, Katniss looked a little stronger. I saw her afterschool. She picked a dandelion and then she left. She looked almost happy. A few days later, I saw her with a basket full of leaves, stems and flowers. I wondered what she was doing with them. Then I realized that they were food – weeds, but still food. She'd found a safe way to find some food. Soon she was showing up at the bakery to sell my father berries. Eventually, she sold him squirrels. Katniss managed to find a way to survive back then. I don't know if she will now. It sounds like she's giving up. Peeta looked at me expectantly. His foot tapped the ground. "When do you think I can go home?" he asked. "I have to see her."


	2. The Plan

[Summary: Peeta's courageous efforts to return to Katniss & the real reasons he wants to see her so badly.]

(Peeta's Point of View)

Once I found out how sick Katniss was, all I could think about was getting back to her. At the time of the reaping I had already had a crush on Katniss for a decade, and I'd cherished that child-like yet romantic form of affection over the years even when it pained me to do it. I made such sacrifices for her in the games, but I'd muddled through what I did for her not fully understanding why I did it other than that I "loved" her. Like so much in my life, my love for Katniss had matured during the past few years, and as I healed that realization opened up a whole new world to me.

Katniss once said that what we did was protect each other, and I believed that. Considerations of whether or not Katniss liked me or loved me paled in comparison to concerns over her safety. I hoped she loved me, but mostly I just wanted Katniss to be safe and healthy. Maybe I could even hope for happiness for her. Sometimes I still lapsed into uncertainties, feeling like a child pulling petals off a daisy saying, "she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not." When that happened, I reminded myself that I was on a mission help Katniss, to save her sanity and maybe her life. Much more was at stake than just my feelings.

Dr. Aurelius explained clearly that I was going to have to work hard to be able to go back home any time soon. He warned me that returning home unauthorized and unprepared might make everything worse for me and for Katniss, but I was determined to get prepared as soon as possible. So Dr. Aurelius and I started meeting for hour-long sessions three times a week. Unfortunately, most of them involved trying to trigger the memories altered by the Capitol's tracker jacker torture and then learning to deal with the inevitable terror and pain. This approach carried risks because if I couldn't cope with the feelings the triggers brought out, I might end up losing my mind the way I did when I first arrived in District 13. That didn't happen, but soon I was having many more bad memories than usual popping into my mind for no apparent reason. I managed some well, but some were so awful that I feared I would never learn to cope with them. Dr. Aurelius said that was not unexpected. Things were going to get worse before they got better. Since we were taking an accelerated approach to the recovery techniques, things were going to get much worse before they got better.

Sometimes when it all became too much, I imagined what it would have been like if Snow had just left us alone or if the Hunger Games had never happened at all. Maybe Katniss would have fallen in love with me as much as I was in love with her. It would have been amazing. It was in my mind anyway. I imagined kissing her soft lips, holding her shapely waist, and touching her skin wherever she'd allow it. I imagined all our friends and family at our wedding, even though most of them were dead now. The toasting was moving, of course. I always loved that tradition, being a baker. I imagined making sure Katniss felt safe, and warm, and satisfied as I passionately made love to her. In my mind, Katniss was pretty passionate herself. She was wonderful. Being a young man, I couldn't help but linger on those intimate moments. I imagined patting her swollen belly as a baby really did grow inside it. In my mind, knowing that I was responsible for that life was exhilarating. How beautiful her children would be. Surprisingly, I didn't feel guilty about thinking of Katniss in these ways. In my imagination, I fully intended to make Katniss my wife and love her forever. That kind of blissful happiness seemed impossible in reality now. Pain and destruction had robbed me of that prospective life, and now I could only visualize it as an elusive distraction.

In addition to preparing for tracker jacker torture triggers, I had to plan for how I'd deal with the devastation of my home. Having only passed by District 12 on my way to the Capitol during the war, I had little personal knowledge of the destruction. Most of what I knew I'd learned from videos of the devastation. Dr. Aurelius encouraged me to watch those videos repeatedly, and he showed me more videos of the mass grave and clean-up efforts. Thoughts of my home and my people reduced to mere bones, soot, and dust haunted me day and night for a while. Shivering, I'd wonder if any of the remains in the videos belonged to people I knew and if I'd accidently trudge through them when I returned home. My friends? My parents? My brothers?

My nightmares, which had once been dominated by fears of losing Katniss, became filled with visions of the bombing. Images of my family dying agonizing deaths unsettled me most. I hoped they had died from the smoke and not the fire. While I was in prison Snow tormented me with his version of the story, which was that my brother bled to death while the rest of my family burned alive. I kept thinking of how helpless my brother must have felt if he had cogent thoughts at all at the time. Seeing his own wife and baby along with his parents being murdered in such a horrible way right in front of him, he'd have been completely unable to do anything to stop it. The fact that I would never know for sure exactly what happened to my family proved both merciful and devastating for me. While it separated me from their pain somewhat it also lead to endless speculation.

Through my preparations I started to realize that returning home involved much more than "being there" for Katniss, and I also started to wonder why anyone would see fit to send Katniss home. Perhaps they really just wanted to isolate her and what better place to do that than a remote and decimated district? But District 12 did seem like an unlikely place for her to heal. Then again there were probably many people who didn't want her to heal. Others would not miss her if she took her life or died of natural causes.

Dr. Aurelius gave me some medicine as part of his plan to help me recover faster. I had tried not to take any before because I had been on so much medicine while recovering from the burns. Dr. Aurelius said the medicines he gave me were different, explaining that they would keep my mind more "grounded" while I tried to sort out the distorted tracker jacker memories. He assured me that the medicines were not addictive which made me feel more confident. The last thing I wanted was to end up back home acting like a morphling addict. It had taken long enough to wean myself from the morphling that I needed to recover from the burns. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be addicted to the stuff.

Every day I took a white pill and a blue pill that Dr. Aurelius prescribed, and they did seem to help my mind feel more, well, grounded. I wondered if Katniss had tried any medicine. Dr. Aurelius would not tell me that when I asked because it was private information. I suspected that Katniss had refused medication. Maybe I could try to convince her to at least consider it once I got home.

I also had to negotiate with my burn doctor to go home. He didn't really want to send me back so soon. He said he could do so much more to make the burns look better. I refused to have any more skin grafts or procedures because I wanted to be ready to leave whenever Dr. Aurelius would let me go. So finally my burn doctor had to admit that since my burns were technically healed, there was no medical reason not to send me home. I did wonder what Katniss might think about the burns. She'd seen the ones on my hands and face in a partial state of healing on the day Snow died, but there were many other burns she hadn't seen. I wasn't exactly disfigured, but anyone paying attention could see I'd been burned. I wondered if I would wish that I'd listened to my burn doctor when I saw Katniss face to face. Would I feel self-conscious about my scars if Katniss and I ever became more than friends? I remembered how the Capitol polished our skin and made us look so perfect for the first Hunger Games. Everything was so different now. We are both scarred inside and outside.

I was encouraged that thinking about Katniss didn't usually trigger bad memories anymore. Mostly the triggers were things that reminded me of the videos they showed me during the tracker jacker torture. The videos were mostly of Katniss and me in the arena. So certain kinds of trees, plants, sunsets, animals, rocks, and the sound of water trickling were the strange things that triggered episodes.

The worst episodes happened when the wind blew against my lips a certain way or the air conditioner made my arms feel like they were being touched. I'd think for a moment that these sensations were the imaginary mutation version of Katniss trying to deceive me with her kisses and caresses. Since there were tender memories of moments between Katniss and me that the Capitol could never alter, I tried to replace the disturbing false memories with happy ones. Instead of the tracker-jacker-tainted kisses in the cave, I'd think of the kiss during the Battle of the Capitol. It was a kiss that probably saved my life. Instead of the mutation version of Katniss touching my arms, I'd remember playing with Katniss' hair while we held each other on the victory tour train.

Sometimes I unwillingly re-lived the beatings and the druggings that I had experienced in prison. During those times, it was as if I could almost feel diminished versions of the blows, the needles, the warm rushes up my arm, and my head swimming. My body somehow remembered all those sensations. I decided that just letting myself feel all the feelings that came with re-living those moments was the best way to deal with them. Dr. Aurelius said that I was very brave to do that, but I didn't feel brave. I felt helpless. He kept assuring me that my work was paying off. One day he handed me a piece of paper.

"This is a plan for your home-coming, Peeta." He said. "I think that if you do these things then you can go home." The "plan" listed the two medicines that I was taking, frequent phone calls with Dr. Aurelius and something called a "safety plan."

"And here's your train ticket," he said, smiling at me. "You can change the date to whenever you feel ready if tomorrow feels too soon."

Amazed and a little panic-stricken, I couldn't believe what was happening. I was going home? I was going to see Katniss?

Dr. Aurelius added, "You'll need to develop that "safety plan" I mentioned on the list. A "safety plan" refers to what you plan to do if you have a particularly bad episode. You need a place to go that's away from Katniss, for example. I know you live close to her, and your house might not be far enough away. It would be tragic for you to hurt Katniss or yourself after all you have accomplished. You also need to prepare for the fact that Katniss might not want to see you at all and know in advance what you are going to do if that happens. Those are the things I wanted to talk about today."

I thought the safety plan was a good idea, though I certainly hoped I'd never need to use it. I hadn't really considered that Katniss wouldn't want to see me at all because Haymith said Katniss just sat in a rocking chair with a blanket over her. Up to this point I'd imagined sitting on the sofa nearby while Katniss ignored me for a while. Now that Dr. Aurelius pointed out this new possibility, I imagined Katniss throwing a book at me and telling me to "get out." The thought didn't dampen my mood much though, and it didn't change my resolve to help Katniss. Nothing ever changed that.

(Thanks to "Katnissinme" for her excellent work as a beta for this chapter)


	3. Chapter 3

(Point of View: Katniss)

The clatter of metal on wood made me nearly jump out of the rocking chair. I heard Greasy Sae pick up whatever kitchen utensil she'd dropped. It was too late for my mind not to go somewhere else though. It flashed to the explosion that killed Boggs. My insides contracted a visceral reaction to the memory of that terrible day. The blood, my commander dying in front of me, the fear; everything was there again. I put my hand on my head and let out of tiny whimper. I felt nauseous and my head ached. Greasy Sae's grand-daughter brought her ball of yarn over and crawled into my lap. She was good at comforting me. I didn't really understand how she knew when I needed comforting the most. Nobody else seemed to notice.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm 18 years old. I won the Hunger Games. I escaped another Hunger Games. I helped to accomplish a revolution. I just want to die. I can't figure out when and how to die. If I do nothing, I will probably die anyway.

I motioned for Greasy Sae's grand-daughter to get up. I needed to go to the bathroom. She obliged. Going to the bathroom was about as far as I walked most days. There was nowhere worth walking. I realized how little I must be drinking during my trip to the bathroom. Little intake means little output. Oh, well, dehydration was not as bad of a way to die as I thought it was during the first Hunger Games. Maybe I should try to stop drinking altogether. I slowly made it back to the rocking chair, holding the wall as I went.

Suddenly I thought of Peeta. People and places invaded my mind these days so often. Perhaps it was because I just sat in this rocking chair with so little distraction. Perhaps it was because I'd been thinking of the first Hunger Games. I thought of the cave. I thought of how Peeta's memories had been robbed of him. He didn't remember that meaningful kiss there. At least, he didn't remember it correctly. I wondered if he remembered being so sick…the blood poisoning. He probably did remember that. It seemed the Capitol just made the good memories bad and left the bad ones alone.

I still remembered everything about the cave though. It was there that I first became truly confused by my feelings for Peeta. Now I knew that confusion was the beginning of love. It didn't matter though. Nothing mattered now. Still, I took a deep breath as I remembered that kiss in the cave. It was the one that made me want another. So, imagination, I took another. I kissed Peeta over and over. I encouraged him to lay down on the cave floor by gently pushing his body downwards. He had a surprised look in his eyes when I was able to glance at them between kisses. He deepened the kisses and began running his hands up and down my back. I ran my hands over Peeta's chest and his shoulders. In my mind there were no cameras. There was only the two of us. I shifted my weight so our bodies were even closer together…so close...

"Sae! What's for breakfast today?" Haymitch said loudly as he walked into the kitchen. Had he even knocked? Oh, well. It didn't matter. He'd been coming over every day for several days now. He was revoltingly cheerful. It was very un-Haymitch-like.

"Hi, Sweetheart," Haymitch said as he turned toward me.

I didn't look at him. I just stared at the fire. He patted my hand where it showed out from under the blanket. It was a small gesture. One that was unwanted. I felt that I was going to cry though, but my eyes were so dry. Stupid Haymitch! I thought. Why didn't he just leave me alone? I didn't want to feel anything…nothing except the few things that still gave me brief pleasure before they numbed me. Haymitch's meager attempts to care for me were not among them! I wanted to yell at him. I took a deep breath and prepared to use explatives I'd only heard in the Capitol. I couldn't get my mouth to work though. My tongue seemed to stick to the roof of my mouth. I thought, I've felt this way before sometime.

"Katniss, why don't you let Sae help you take a bath? You'd feel better," Haymitch said. He was still touching my hand.

I kept my eyes closed. In my mind, I went back to the cave and started over again. I felt the kiss that made me want another. I kissed Peeta over and over again. I put my hand on his shoulder and pushed it slightly downward until he realized that I wanted him to lay down on the cave floor. I saw the surprise in his eyes. I felt his kisses deepen. I felt his hands all over my back – up and down. I felt my hands run across the fabric of the jacket that covered his chest and shoulders. I shifted my weight so I was ever closer to him. I wanted to be so close to him that we were inseparable. Peeta rested his hand on the small of my back. I felt warmth all over my body, but then a coldness crept in. I felt Peeta leaving me. His body was still there, but his spirit seemed to move away.

_This is my fantasy_, I thought, _why can't I control it?_

I tried to call Peeta's name.

Then I thought, _maybe it is me who is leaving Peeta._

"Katniss. We're going to take you upstairs, OK?" I heard Haymitch say. I felt arms around me. I felt a sensation of being lifted. Maybe I was flying.

(Haymitch's POV)

Katniss looked weaker that day. I could tell as soon as I walked into the house. Sae said she hadn't eaten anything but a little broth in days. I knew Sae is trying, but I wished she was more aggressive sometimes. Katniss surely wasn't going to respond to me telling her what to do though. Honestly, the simple-minded girl of Sae's seemed to be the person Katniss responded to the most then. I wished that the girl could talk.

_Maybe if she could talk then she could convince Katniss to eat,_ I thought.

It was unnerving when Katniss passed out right in front of me. Katniss wasn't even standing up. She was sitting down! That's not usually how it happens if you aren't drinking. When I picked Katniss up to take her upstairs to her bed, she was so much lighter than I anticipated that I almost lost my balance. I couldn't help but notice the bones I could see when I pulled the covers up to her shoulders. She was dirty too. Sae said she won't let anyone touch her. I called the doctor. He said Katniss was starving and dehydrated which was hardly worth the fee I paid him to see her. Then he started an IV to rehydrate Katniss. The fluid slowly dripped in while I held her hand.

Since Katniss was unconscious, Sae was able to bathe her. It wasn't easy to do in bed though, and Sae was a very old woman. She had trouble moving Katniss. So I had to help her. Katniss would have been mortified to have me helping with something like this, but it was important. She had scars from the burns and the surgery she'd had. That wan't what worried me though. The girl's ribs and bones showed everywhere. She looked much worse without clothes. I didn't even think of it as seeing someone naked. It was more like seeing a skeleton with skin. I wondered if this bath would be the one before her funeral. My heart sank. I needed a drink. We dressed Katniss in a clean white nightgown. It took a long time for her to wake up, but when she did she tore out the IV immediately.

I knew what the Hunger Games had done to me, but I guess I always thought that Katniss was different. Maybe it was being the Mockingjay that reduced her to what she had become. Maybe. I did know one thing for sure, if Katniss died, I'd never forgive myself for my part in thrusting that Mockingjay role on her. Perhaps the world was better off for it, but Katniss was destroyed. For me, that would never seem like a fair trade. To add to all of this, Peeta was on his way home. Dr. Aurelius said he wanted to see Katniss. I wondered what seeing Katniss like this would do to him. I really needed a drink.


	4. Chapter 4

(Point of View: Katniss)

I woke up still alive. These people were going to do anything they could to see that I stayed alive, I guess. I knew I should be grateful, but I had mixed feelings instead. Turning on my side, I could see that I was wearing a white nightgown. It was so bright. I looked down at my arms and hands. Someone had washed them. I sighed as Greasy Sae arrived in my room with some broth and bread.

"You have to eat, "she said. Her gaze was fixed on me. "I've lived 80 years in this district, and I'm not going to watch a rich girl like you starve. I've seen too many people starve already."

It was hard to refuse Greasy Sae when she explained it that way. I took the bread and broth and started to eat it very slowly. It occurred to me that Greasy Sae would have been 5 years old when the last rebellion happened and district 12 became essentially enslaved by the Capitol.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Yes, child."

"Was this revolution worth it? Worth all the death and destruction?"

"yes and no." She answered. "Your children's children will think it was worth it, and you may never think it was worth it. After all, you know what it cost. I will say this. Nobody is being hanged, flogged, or starved in our district now. That's because of the revolution."

"Or because there's almost nobody left to hang, flog or starve." I said smugly.

"There's truth in that too." Sae said nodding.

(Point of View: Peeta)

I thought of planting evening primroses in honor of Prim on the train to District 12. I had seen flowers being given at funerals in the Capitol. They were usually cut flowers. Cut flowers seemed like a waste though. Why not plant flowers for Katniss that would keep honoring her sister's memory instead? The only down-side to my plan to plant primroses was that it involved me going into the woods to find some. It wasn't as bad as I thought though. I only had to remind myself that I was home in District 12 and not in the arena twice. Soon I was on my way to Victor's Village with a cart full of primroses. The digging was easy because it had rained recently. I thought I'd wait until I had planted all the primroses before going in to see Katniss. Maybe I could convince her to get out of the rocking chair to see the primroses. Then I heard footsteps and turned to see Katniss standing in front of me. She looked thin, much too thin. Her hair looked dirty and matted. I was taken aback, but I tried not to show it. I felt like I was 12 years old all over again – desperate to help Katniss survive.

"You're back!" She said.

"Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," I said "By the way; he says he can't pretend to treat you forever. You have to pick up the phone."

Suddenly Katniss turned and ran towards the house. I tried to grab her arm and follow her, but she had a head start. She slammed the door and I heard it lock behind her.

I stood still for a moment. My hands started to shake as I felt the breeze on my face. Was she trying to hurt me? Had she always been trying to hurt me? Was she going to get her bow to kill me? I dropped the shovel and leaned my back against the side of the house. With my hands on my head I dropped down to the dirt. Grabbing the shovel again, I gripped my hands around it as hard as I possibly could.

What was it that I was supposed to do if Katniss didn't want to see me? I thought. Then I remembered.

Find Delly.

(Point of View: Delly)

Peeta arrived at my front door rambling about Katniss. It wasn't completely unexpected. He and Dr. Aurelius had called two days before to ask if I'd be of support to Peeta if anything went poorly after his arrival home. I thought Peeta was brave for having come down to 12 at all. Personally, I thought it might be easier on Peeta and Katniss if they tried to move on to new relationships, but it was not my decision to make.

"Peeta, slow down. I can't understand you." I said. He did slow down. In fact, he stopped talking for a few minutes. Then he resumed in a calmer tone.

"It was a mistake to come here, Delly." He said.

"To my house, Peeta? No, that wasn't a mistake. I am supposed to be here for you." I replied.

"No, it was a mistake to come back to District 12." He said.

"What happened, Peeta?" I asked

"She didn't want to see me. You don't know what I've been through to get to come back here, and Katniss didn't even want to see me!" He said.

"Are you sure that's true? Is that what she said?" I asked

"No, she just ran away."

"And you've never run away, Peeta? Perhaps because you didn't know what to say or weren't ready to face something." I countered. "Are you having an episode or are you hurt?'

"Hurt mostly. I don't feel any signs of an episode coming on." He said.

"That's good." I said. "Come on. We are going to the marketplace."

"Why, Delly? I don't want to go to the marketplace."

"Come on," I said pulling on his arm.

We arrived at the marketplace at the busiest time of day, but we navigated the small crowd without too much difficulty. We made it to Greasy Sae's place while she was cooking up new stews. Greasy Sae's grand-daughter saw us first and smiled.

"Sae!" I said, "What's for dinner?"

"Vegetable stew with pork," she told me warmly. "How many do you want, Delly?"

"Two." I said. It was a little late for lunch and a little early for dinner, but I liked buying from Sae. Plus, we needed her insight.

"Sae, Peeta here thinks Katniss doesn't want to see him." I blurted out.

Peeta looked at me sternly as if I'd embarassed him. Please! It wasn't as if the whole country didn't know that Peeta was in love with Katniss – or at least had been.

"Oh, no. I don't think so. That girl hadn't even been out of the house until today. After she talked to Peeta this morning she took a shower, she dressed, and she went hunting."

I turned to Peeta with a confident smirk that I hoped communicated, "I told you so" in the most loving way possible.

"So you are saying that you think it helped Katniss to see me?" Peeta asked Sae.

"Yes, that's what I'm saying. I should know. Besides Haymitch, I'm the only one who sees Katniss right now." I saw Sae's grand-daughter pull hard on Sae's skirt to get her attention. "and you too, child." Sae told her grand-daughter.

"Peeta, you should come to dinner tonight." Sae said. "Bring some bread."

"What kind of bread? What are you having for dinner?" Peeta asked.

"Vegetable stew with pork," Sae said smiling a crooked smile.


	5. Chapter 5

(Point of View: Katniss)

That night after trying to hunt for the first time, I was so exhausted. Over dinner Sae kept looking at the door as if she was expecting someone. I hoped it wasn't Haymitch. Maybe it was Peeta, but it wasn't likely to be him. The Capitol was overthrown, and President Coin was dead. Peeta couldn't be forced to spend time with me. I'd caused the bombing that killed his family with my actions. His mind was tortured by memories of me – both real and false. If he did choose to spend any time with me then it would be only out of pity. I didn't want that. Peeta needed to find someone who deserved him. Haymitch had said that I could live a thousand lifetimes and still not deserve Peeta. He was right. Still, I wished I was worthy of Peeta's love and his respect. It was a shame I hadn't recognized the potential we had before it was too late. I would only be a burden to Peeta now. I was a burden to everyone now.

I slept better than usual with Buttercup by my side. Like a good soldier, he kept the watch. In return I cleaned his wounds in the morning. It was about the time that I finished dressing buttercup's paw that I heard Peeta's voice. He was talking to Sae. I slowly walked to the kitchen. I was so bad with words. What could I say to him? I worried unnecessarily. As usual, Peeta made things easy for me.

"Hi, Katniss." He said warmly. He had a loaf of bread under his arm and held it out to me. "It's called Banana Nut Bread, and it's great with breakfast. I learned to make it in the Capitol. This is the only loaf I can make for a while though. There are no bananas around here!"

"Thanks." I said. I tried to avoid looking him into his eyes, but I couldn't help myself.

"Come sit down and try it," he said. Putting his hand near my shoulder without touching it, he encouraged me to sit at the table. I obliged.

Just then Peeta jumped and looked down. We heard a loud purring. Buttercup was nuzzling up to Peeta's leg.

"Buttercup! Peeta said. "I wasn't expecting to see you again!" Peeta patted Buttercup's head which only encouraged Buttercup to nuzzle against Peeta more.

When breakfast was over, Sae said she needed to get to the market early and left. With pleading eyes I asked her stay awhile, but she insisted that she had tremendous amounts of work to do. Peeta and I drank tea at the table and watched the fire burn.

"So how are you doing?" he finally said.

"I should be asking you that." I replied.

"I'm doing much better, Katniss. Thank you. How you are doing is just as important though. "

There it was. Pity. He was worried about poor, pathetic Katniss. I had to face it though. I was pretty pathetic.

I looked up at Peeta and tried to seem stern and angry, but my stern expression melted into sadness. I quickly looked down, but it was too late. Peeta was too perceptive not to pick up on my emotions. Soon I was crying. Peeta got up for his seat and sat closer to me. He took my hand and kissed the back of it. Then he kept holding it as he listened to me. I had nothing to lose. I told him the truth.

"I don't feel like I'm alive, but I'm not dead." I said. "I spend my time during the day avoiding reminders of all the bad things that have happened. I spend my sleeping time experiencing all the bad things that have happened. It's no life, Peeta."

He nodded. He was being uncharacteristically quiet.

"Sometimes I feel nothing. Nothing. Other times I hurt, but I never feel good. "

Peeta squeezed my hand.

I knew it was wrong to say the next sentence I said, but I couldn't help myself. "Peeta, kiss me. I just want to feel something."

Peeta sighed. His face seemed deadly serious. Then he looked down at our joined hands. I waited for him to say something or so something. He did neither. An unexpected rage began to bubble up inside me. How dare he come here? Why did he dangle his friendship in front of me? His love? And then refuse to do something for me that we'd already done thousands of times.

"What's wrong with me? Why won't you kiss me? Am I not good enough anymore? Not worthy enough to kiss you, Peeta? I guess I shouldn't be surprised! They can put my on TV and parade me before the whole country to get their precious victory and then discard me; why shouldn't you do the same?"

Peeta was quick with his response. "That's not it. That's not it at all. It's just hard to see you like this, Katniss. I want to kiss you, but you're not yourself. I don't know if it's what you really want."

"I should be the expert on what I want!" I said smugly.

"So, is what you want to starve to death because I hear that's what you were doing up until a few days ago." Peeta replied.

It wasn't really an accusation. It was more like an observation – though Peeta hadn't been here to observe it. Still, I was surprised by Peeta's insight. He wasn't the boy with the puppy love crush on me anymore. He saw me as 3 dimensional now, a person with faults and inconsistencies as well as strengths.

"I just couldn't make myself do anything but sit still, Peeta. I was…stuck. I am less stuck now. I am doing better now. Surely you know that. "

"Are you going to try to kill yourself, Katniss?"

I was stunned by Peeta's question. It was so direct. Nobody had ever asked me anything like that before. Even Dr. Aurelius had not. He only had me answer some "yes" and "no" questions about suicide on a computer screen when I first saw him in District 13. In prison they simply put me on suicide watch. They never asked about suicide.

"I think if I was going to do it, I would have already done it. I guess anything is possible though. We've certainly learned that over the past few years."

"I'm glad you aren't thinking of killing yourself anymore, Katniss. There are many people who admire you and love you. You just don't know it. You can feel better than this. I promise. You don't need to give up. You have so much to live for." Peeta said.

"And you? Do you admire me? Do you love me?" I asked.

Peeta looked like I'd hit him in the stomach. I knew I was being hard on him when all he was trying to do was help me. There was no real reason for this interrogation of him, and but I couldn't stop myself.

"Yes and yes," He said simply as he looked down again. "I love you enough that I want you to get better more than anything. When we were children, I gave you bread when you needed food. It was what I had and what you needed. Now I don't know what you need or if I have it, but I know I want you to get better.

"I need to feel something. I swear, Peeta. That's what I need."

Peeta looked into my eyes. I think he was looking for certainty. He must have found it because he leaned in and brushed his soft lips against mine. I pressed into the kiss. He followed. His hands were suddenly on either side of my head, gently cradling it. Soon our kisses deepened. His hands moved down to my shoulders and then to my back. I did feel something. I felt that intoxicating confusion that I'd felt in the cave. I felt the warmth of affection and the exhilaration of…something…maybe… desire? Was I in love with Peeta? Maybe. Was it fair to him for me to be in love with him? Maybe not. He should have someone better than me. I noticed that Peeta's breathing was rapid. Mine was too. His hands seemed to tremble slightly against my back. We seemed to be getting into this awfully fast. I came up for air.

"Peeta, can we hold each other like we did on the train?" I managed to say.

Peeta caught his breath. "Yes, I think we can do that." He said, "I think I'd like that too."

So we walked over to the living room and snuggled up together on the sofa. Peeta's arms enveloped me. I felt warm and safe. I gently stroked Peeta's hand with my fingertips. My body took some time to come down from all the feelings ignited by kissing Peeta. Indeed, I felt alive. I felt a twinge of guilt too though. Where would we go from here?


	6. Chapter 6

(Point of View: Peeta)

Katniss may have felt that bad at 12 years old, but I never knew it if she did. I'd certainly never heard her talk that way. I was reassured that she had no intentions of killing herself but saddened that she thought her life was so miserable. This is why I'd come to District 12 though. I shouldn't have been surprised. Now I knew what I was up against. It only strengthened my resolve.

I really was afraid that kissing Katniss would only make things more confusing, but she seemed to want it so much. I could never say "no" to Katniss even when she wasn't so vulnerable. I had to kiss her. I thought it would be one sweet, short kiss that would be followed up by more talking. Instead it became the most passionate series of kisses we'd ever shared. It got more intense with every second. The kisses, the softness of her skin, her hitched breathing, and the tiny noises I don't even think she knew she was making…it was all too much. Katniss seemed to channel every emotion she had into those kisses. I don't think I've ever gotten that turned on that fast. It was all I could do to keep from putting my hands in places Katniss hadn't clearly given me permission to put them. My mind flew ahead though. I imagined that we were lying on the floor in front of the fire. It was like what I imagined when I was living in the Capitol, but it was better. Then Katniss stopped. Part of me was glad she stopped because I was beginning to wonder if I'd be able to pull away if she didn't. Katniss asked if we could hold each other like we did on the train. So I held her. I tried not to hold her too close because I was still so turned on. I didn't want to embarrass her. I didn't want to make it more difficult for me to control my thoughts and feelings either. I tried to calm my mind and body. I hoped Katniss wouldn't feel rejected by the distance between us. Although I'd held Katniss all night for many nights on the train, we never did it after making out or even kissing. Holding her now was different. It wasn't that I didn't want to do it. I did. I just wanted to be with her so much that I found it difficult to be so physically close and not touch her…I mean, really touch her. I felt my eyes moisten. She was falling asleep.

Isn't this what I wanted? I asked myself. It was, but Katniss was still so sad. Her problems weren't going to go away in a day. Mine were still there, and I'd been working really hard on them for months. I wished this was the beginning. I wished that all the bad things hadn't happened and that I was falling in love with Katniss right then for the first time. On the other hand, everything we'd been through together made me love her more. Even more oddly, the tracker jacker torture made me question everything about Katniss; and somehow that made me love her more too.

My mind and body had slowed down by then. Katniss was asleep. I reached over and touched her shoulder. I could feel all of the bones very easily. I ran my hand down her arm noting how thin it was. Her wrist was covered by her long sleeve shirt. I picked up her arm and circled her wrist with my thumb and index finger. I ran my hand down her back and felt the prominent bones of her spine. I didn't do it for any gratification. I wanted to see how bad things had gotten, that's all. I realized just how fragile her body was. The kinds of things I imagined doing with Katniss as my wife would probably hurt her physically if we did them now. I felt a little guilty for getting so turned on before. What if we'd somehow gotten carried away in the moment? I didn't want to hurt her. My eyes moistened again, and I tried to think of ways to help Katniss learn to be strong again. She had to get physically strong for sure, but I knew she had to get mentally strong too.

Katniss was still sleeping when I woke up. I didn't really want to leave her, but I had told Delly I'd meet her in town by 9 AM. I was both relieved and embarrassed when I saw Greasy Sae and her grand-daughter walking across the yard towards the house.

"I suppose things went well," She quipped. "'I guess now you know for sure that she wanted to see you."

I just stood on the porch for a moment wondering if somewhere in those statements there was a question.

"Umm, yes, I guess I know that now. Thank you, Sae." I replied. I started to walk down the stairs to get away.

"I hope you didn't keep her up all night. The poor girl sleeps so poorly as it is." Sae said.

My mouth nearly dropped open. Was the old woman implying what I thought she was implying?

"No, Ma'am. I didn't keep her up at all." I replied.

"Of course you didn't. Just be careful. Don't hurt her." Sae commanded as she gave the wooden spoon she was holding a little shake in my direction.

Maybe Greasy Sae should tell Katniss not to hurt me too! I thought. I understood why she was so protective of Katniss though. She'd assumed a motherly role here.

"Come back for dinner, Peeta," she added, "She'll eat better with you here."

I nodded and started down the path towards town. Delly was meeting me at the former courthouse site. As she crossed the street I could see that she was really starting to show. Delly was married to a man from 13. She was pregnant. I didn't know how far along she was. I didn't think I should ask, but I didn't want her to think I didn't care either. Darn, I thought, life is complicated. Maybe I was just still embarrassed by what Sae had said to me.

"Ready to go?" Delly said lightly.

It was a simple question, but I knew she really meant 'are you really ready' in this context.

"Yes, I think I am."

We made our way down the main street towards the merchant district. It was easy to see where the bakery had been because parts of the ovens were still there. Everything else was burned to the ground. Not only had this been my place of work, it was my home as well. We lived above the bakery. I walked around the perimeter a few times trying to decide where I should put the vine wreath I had carefully made in memory of my family. I sat down because all those nightmares of my parents and brothers screaming were starting to haunt me.

This was a mistake, I thought, I shouldn't have come here. I knew I didn't have to give in though. I decided to try to focus on the wreath sitting in my lap. The lines across the bark of the woody vines made intricate patterns. Of course, I'd intertwined the vines to make another pattern. I thought about painting vines and vine wreathes. I thought about putting flowers between the vines. I felt the terror that was building a few moments ago start to subside.

"I think I need to leave." I told Delly.

"That's fine Peeta. Do you want to leave the wreath?"

"You just put it somewhere, Delly. I can't tell where the door was." I blurted out. Then I walked down the street.

Delly soon caught up with me.

"OK, I left it there. It looks nice, Peeta. Everyone will know you made it for them. It's very sweet."

"Yes, a funeral where the dead outnumbered the bereaved." I said sarcastically.

"Well, at least you tried." She said. Sometimes Delly's boundless optimism was annoying.

I decided to lighten the mood and talk about something truly optimistic.

"Are you two getting excited about the baby?"

She smiled, "Yes, I was wondering if you were going to mention the baby."

"Well, there comes a time to mention a baby, doesn't there?"

"Yes, there does." She said smiling.

"I hope everything goes well. You will be a great mother."

I thought about how I'd told Katniss that once.

As if she was reading my mind, Delly asked, "Does Katinss want kids?"

"I actually don't know . It's strange. Katniss and I know some important things about one another, but we don't know some others." I confided.

"Well, that's one you probably want to know before you get too far into things again, Peeta."

I stopped and turned to her, shocked.

"Why do you think you have the right to say that? Why does everyone think I'm "getting too far into things" and moving too fast. What kind of person do you think I am? I'm not stupid, Delly. I'm not going to take advantage of Katniss either. Of course I would ask important questions if they needed to be asked. Now is not the time."

"I'm just saying that Katniss is…different. She's always been that way. Sometimes she doesn't want the same things most other girls want. Plus, she's not well, Peeta. I just think maybe you'd be better off if you just moved on with your life and found someone else. Besides, do you think it is a good idea to spend your life with someone you were once brainwashed to assassinate?"

Apparently, Delly's boundless optimism had limits.


	7. Chapter 7

(Point of View: Peeta)

I didn't appreciate Delly telling me that my life would be better without Katniss, but I knew that there were probably many other people who shared Delly's sentiments. She was probably the only one with the courage to share them with me though. Delly and I had history. She was the closest thing to family that I had left. Maybe it was part of her job to warn me about potential loss and unhappiness. The truth was that Delly mentioned things that day that I did need to consider in a relationship with Katniss. The trouble was that I wasn't sure where I stood with Katniss. I'd spent the night with her, but it was mostly to comfort her. Greasy Sae seemed to think it was more than that. Delly was warning me. It was a little overwhelming. So what did I do? Argue with a pregnant woman! Proably not the best move.

I did want to have kids. Clearly Katniss didn't need to be having a baby any time soon. She couldn't even take care of herself. On the other hand, just because other people in 12 had children this young didn't mean that Katniss and I had to do so. It was true that Katniss was "different" than other girls. It might have even been one reason I fell in love with her. Being different certainly wasn't bad though. Bow hunting wasn't a typical female activity in 12, but it had served Katniss well! My conversation with Delly did truly help me understand what Katniss meant when she said people had discarded her though. At first I thought she meant that she'd been discarded as a public figure. I wondered why that would bother her because Katniss never wanted to be a public figure anyway. I knew now that Katniss meant more than that. She meant that individual people had discarded her. Apparently Delly was one of them because Delly had once considered Katniss a hero. Clearly, that had changed.

I spent a great deal of time with veterans of this war in the capitol. I was one myself even though I didn't consider myself much of a soldier. They didn't feel like heroes, and people weren't treating them like heroes. People wanted to move on. They didn't have much patience for "damaged" veterans who needed time and healing. Fortunately, there was help available, including the doctors I'd seen and the housing I'd lived in while still in the Capitol. There was some help for veterans looking for jobs too, but I'd been told that if they had problems meeting the expectations of the job then there was little grace given to them. Here in 12 there was only the community, but Katniss had shut herself away from them. If Delly's feelings were common then maybe that was for the best.

(Point of View: Katniss)

I lied to Peeta when I said I didn't think of taking my own life. It was the only lie I told him, but it was still a lie. I lied because I didn't think I could deal with his reaction if I answered the question affirmatively. Besides, technically he had asked if I was going to kill myself. I didn't actually know if I was going to kill myself. So I guess the lie was a half-truth. Either way, Peeta would have watched me like a hawk and worry himself sick if he knew I was even remotely thinking about suicide. So, what choice did I have? I didn't like lying to Peeta though. Deep down I knew it was wrong.

Mornings were tough times for me. After a typical night of nightmares I wondered how I'd ever face the day. There was the dreaded feeling that the nightmares, the sadness, and the guilt were never going to leave me. How could I go on? All this was accompanied by a fuzzy feeling in my head that made it hard to even think straight. I often thought of suicide during these times. I'd developed ways of dealing with the suicidal thoughts though. One way was to actually imagine doing it! I know it sounds crazy, but I was crazy after all. Somehow, the tension was released if I actually imagined killing myself. I just couldn't linger on the thought for too long. I'd imagined doing it in a myriad of ways. Most of them seemed to involve peacefully leaving the word in a poison induced haze. I knew ways to obtain the appropriate poisons. Nightlock was only one of the options. There was always the chance that I'd resort to some more immediately available means of killing myself. I know that at one point Greasy Sae and Hayminth removed all the knives from the house. They left my arrows though, which were just as sharp as the knives. At least they tried.

Peeta arrived mid-morning after Greasy Sae had already made her way to the market.

"Are you hungry?" I asked. "Greasy Sae left some food."

"Yeah, I am kind of hungry." He said.

We sat by the fire and talked for a long time.

Then I said, "Thanks for last night."

"Thanks for what?" He said.

"For...Well, I've just been thinking about that happening for a long time." I said, immediately regretting my statement.

"You mean the two of us kissing?" He asked.

"Yes, kissing you was part of it." I said. Peeta's eyes darted up to mine in surprise. Oh, no! I thought. Stop talking! I told myself. I could feel my cheeks burning.

Peeta looked down at his tea. He was trying really hard not to laugh. Why would he laugh at me? I was serious, and I was embarrassed. Why would he laugh at me?

"You think that's funny?" I said.

Then he did laugh, but he was still trying to suppress it. "No," he said, "no, I don't think it is funny at all. I just didn't know girls thought like that, or I didn't know that you thought like that. I'm flattered really."

"Of course I think like that, Peeta!"

"Well, I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised to learn that I've been thinking of it too," Peeta said. "I've never really stopped thinking about you, Katniss. Even when Snow convinced me you were evil with tracker jacker venom, I still loved you. It made it hurt all the more. I've thought of you since the war too - everyday. When I was at my lowest, I'd think of you – of us.

Peeta looked over at the fire and took a sip of his tea.

"Peeta, I've never told you how sorry I am that you were left behind in the arena."

"That wasn't your fault. I know that. If only one of us could get out then I'm glad it was you." He said.

There it was again. Peeta was forever sacrificing for me. He wanted to make sure I was always safe. It's probably why he'd come back to 12.

"Did you come back here because you wanted to live in 12, Peeta?" I asked.

"Well, it is home." He said.

"You could have stayed in the Capitol though. You could have gone anywhere. Somewhere else might have been easier for you. Why did you come here?" I asked.

"I think you know why." He said as he still stared at the fire.

"Because you were worried?" I asked tentatively.

He turned toward me as he sat his teacup on the table. Reaching down, he took both of my hands in his and said, "Yes, I was truly worried. I'm still worried. Should I be worried?"

I knew what Haymitch meant. There was more and more proof every day. I could never deserve Peeta. Never. He would never give up on me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for his loyalty. I didn't deserve it. I knew I didn't. I leaned over and kissed Peeta's neck right below the ear. His head moved ever so slightly in response to me. I kissed him again. He took in a breath. I continued kissing him around his neck and his ears until I tickled him. He leaned his head on his shoulder to stop the tickling. Then I caught his lips and kissed them too.

Peeta stopped kissing me for a moment to say, "Katniss, are we going to make out every time we see each other? I could get used to this."

I laughed and kissed him harder. Then I asked him, "Peeta, tell me what you thought about in the Capitol. It was about this right…us together…like this? What did you think about?"

Peeta paused.

"Um, I can't really tell you that." He said.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't think we can do most of it." He said quietly.

"Oh." I said. I pulled away a little bit.

"I mean. That came out wrong. There wasn't anything wrong with what I was thinking we could do as long we did it under the right circumstances. It wasn't weird or anything. We just can't do most of it…yet" He said.

"So, you mean the kinds of things married people do?"

He looked kind of pale. I knew the answer was "yes." I also knew that he was afraid of my reaction to him saying "yes."

"Yes," he said quietly.

"Oh, you wouldn't want to marry me." I said.

"Yes, I would." He said quickly. He slowed down and added. "I think I would. We'd just have to work some things out first."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. How could he still love me like that after everything? Let's face it, I was a murderer! I was responsible for thousands of deaths indirectly and quite a few directly. He still thought I was possible marriage material? Maybe he just wanted a moral justification for his fantasies about me. Then again, there was something in his eyes that made me believe that he was sincere. He hadn't given up on me, and he hadn't given up on us. I wasn't sure how to respond. I wanted to let him know that the things I did now were real and different from the confusing things I'd done in the Hunger Games. So I kissed him again lightly. I took his hand in mine. I kissed it too. Then I placed his open hand on my chest as I leaned up to whisper in his ear.

"Don't take off my clothes. Just touch me. Are you alright with that?"

He nodded slowly and closed his eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

(Point of View: Katniss)

There were many reasons I was glad I'd told Peeta not to undress me. Standing in front of the mirror wearing nothing was a stark reminder of several of them. It was true what Peeta said when he first got back to District 12. I had nearly starved myself to death.

What an inefficient means of killing oneself, I thought.

There were also the ugly scars from the burns. I'd started avoiding mirrors back in the Capitol, and I'd continued to avoid them in District 12. As I ran my fingers along my scarred skin, I wondered how anyone would ever find me attractive without clothing – even Peeta. Peeta had burn scars, but his looked better than mine. I might be able to gain some weight to look healthier, but I could not remove the burn scars. I knew I should be happy that most of my scars were not obvious when I was dressed, but somehow that was not enough. I held my white blouse up against my body and touched my shoulders, my ribs and my chest with the other hand to feel what he might have felt. What had he thought of touching my damaged body? Although his eyes were closed, Peeta's face had formed the same expression of concentration that he often had when he was painting. He was gentle, almost too gentle. It was as if he thought I would break if he pressed his hands against me too hard. He surprised me by moving his fingertips all over my blouse and not just over the obviously sensual places. After a while he opened his eyes and smiled at me. Then he put his arms around me and held me tightly. I pressed my chest lightly against his as there was no need to try to avoid that happening anymore. In his arms I finally felt myself relax. It was then that I felt the warmth that I so desperately needed. My eyes became teary, but I think I managed to hide that from Peeta. It wasn't Peeta's fault. I was just too self-conscious to enjoy him touching me up to that point. Somehow I felt less vulnerable in his arms.

(Point of View: Peeta)

I had my hands around her neck. She was moving her mouth but she was unable to speak. I recognized that it was my name that she was trying to say. It didn't matter. She could say anything she wanted. I wasn't listening. Why should I? She…Katniss…wasn't even a human being! Soon she wouldn't be able to say anything. This was a death she deserved! The handcuffs cut into the flesh of my wrists, and blood ran down my arms. I felt no pain. What I was doing was too important for me to feel any pain. Her color started to change. Her attempts to free herself from my grasp and call out grew weaker. It wouldn't be long now.

I awoke from the nightmare and immediately jumped about a foot away from her. I gasped for air. I could feel my heart racing. My head throbbed. I heard the steady breathing of her slumber.

She's the real Katniss. I told myself. Everything is alright. I didn't feel alright though.

Rubbing my face with my hands, I tried to figure out a safe place to go.

Home. I thought. I'll go home.

I grabbed my jacket and ran out of the front door. I passed my Victor's Village house and ran into town. The main street was silent and dark. I reached the bakery and fell into the ashes near the melted oven. Dropping to my knees, I put my forehead against the cool metal of the melted oven and ran my fingers through the ashes at my feet.

I didn't kill her. She's still alive. I whispered to myself over and over. I cried in sobs.

It was early, but there were a few people who passed by. I saw the stares of sympathy even through my swollen and tear-filled eyes. They seemed to recognize me as the baker's son. They saw me as a teenager who had lost his whole family and was consumed with grief. That was one thing that I was. They thought I was crying only for my family, of course. What they didn't know was that this time I was crying for me too. There was a monster inside of me. I couldn't escape it. No drug could quell it. No amount of calming techniques could pacify it. Delly was right. It wasn't a good idea to spend your life with someone you'd been brain-washed to kill.


	9. Chapter 9

**[Author's Note: I will warn you. This is SAD. So don't say I didn't warn you. Hang in there. This is kind of the side story, but we'll get back to the main story with the next chapter. Thanks for reading and please post reviews – they are so helpful and encouraging.]**

(Point of View: Peeta)

The grocer's store was near the bakery. Unlike the bakery, it had already been rebuilt. When the grocer arrived to open his store, he saw me sitting quietly near the melted oven. The street had grown busier and the day had become brighter. I could still feel the chill of night though.

"Peeta?" The grocer said. He came over to see if it was really me. I looked up. "Peeta, come inside." He said emphatically.

I did as he said. The store was full of food. It was more food than I'd ever seen in a district store before the revolution. The grocer offered me tea and the use of the sink to wash my face and hands. Then he asked me if I was alright. He seemed genuinely concerned. I knew he'd been a friend to my father.

"I am now," I lied. I thanked him for the tea and the hospitality.

"Take care, Peeta. Don't be a stranger." He said.

When I walked out onto the street I almost ran into Sae and Haymitch.

"Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you!" Haymitch snapped.

Sae turned to Haymitch and said, "If the boy slept at his own house we wouldn't have this problem!"

"I actually slept at the bakery," I said as I glanced over to the melted oven.

Haymitch's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"So why are you looking for me. Is Katniss alright?" I asked.

"Yes, she's fine except she's looking for you too. We needed to tell you to go see Delly." Sae explained.

"Delly? I don't know, Sae. Delly and I had a few cross words, and I think we need to…" Sae didn't let me finish my statement.

"She lost the baby, Peeta. She had a hard time. Delly was actually pretty far along. I had to go and help the midwife with her. The baby was already dead, born last night, never took a breath. A little girl. Delly has to stay in bed for a while..."

I stood there dumbfounded as Sae continued to explain the situation so matter-of-factly. How could this happen? How could this happen to _Delly_? Without any further discussion, I nodded in Sae's direction and ran to Delly's house. I had no idea what I could do for her, but Sae was right in saying that I needed to go see her.

I knocked on the door as quietly as I could. The tiny vine wreath on the door bounced with each knock. The midwife had probably left the wreath so Delly didn't have to think about such trivial matters. Delly's husband answered the door and quickly directed me to the bedroom where Delly was. She was staring at the window beside the bed when I arrived. There was a bassinette beside the bed. I walked over slowly so as not to startle her.

"Hi, Delly. It's Peeta." I said as gently as I could. I reached for her hand and sat down in the chair beside her bed."

She turned towards me. I thought she looked like she'd been crying all night. Then I remembered that she'd given birth too. It was just as likely that she'd been screaming all night. It was probably a great deal of both. My stomach turned. I felt so sorry for her. Like so many people right now, she had been through tremendous pain and had nothing to show for it but more pain, death, and grief.

"I'm so, so sorry about the baby." I said.

She nodded as a new rush of tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I already loved her so much, Peeta. I felt like I already knew her." She said.

I nodded and had to look down at the floor. Looking at Delly was just too upsetting.

"I'm sure you did, Delly. You were a mother already."

I am sure that people in the Capitol would not understand this, but if a baby died in District 12 we kept it with its mother for a little while. It seemed to help the mother process that the baby was really dead since we didn't have machines to measure signs of life like they did in the Capitol. Either Delly asked to keep the baby a little longer or she'd given birth only hours before because when I looked over at the bassinette I could see a tiny motionless form lying there.

"I haven't been able to hold her yet. I just can't do it." She said. More tears fell.

I didn't know what to say. There was a long pause. Delly seemed to be waiting for something.

"Do you want to hold her?" I asked, hoping that was the right question to ask.

"Yes," she said. Her voice was cracking. She was trembling. I held her hand tighter. I could tell that Delly really did want to hold her baby.

Delly pulled on my hand a little and I leaned slightly closer to her. "Peeta, will you stay with me while I hold her?" She whispered. This idea was rather terrifying to me.

_Shouldn't one of the women do this? _I thought.

I knew that Delly wouldn't ask me for help unless she needed me though.

"Sure. Sure, I will. Do you want me to get your husband too?"

"No." She said quickly. She paused again. "He doesn't understand our ways."

The piercing look in Delly's blue eyes told me that there was more to the story than her husband not understanding the customs of our home.

I turned my attention to the bassinette. "What exactly do you want me to do?" I asked gently.

"I can't get up." She said. "Just pick the baby up and put her in my arms."

I lifted the baby out of the bassinette. She was very small, but she had perfect features and blonde hair. The blankets kept me from feeling the baby's skin directly, but when my arm brushed her hand I could feel how cold she was. Memories of the war swirled in my head for a moment. So many dead, cold bodies. I hung on to the moment with Delly and the baby though. I had to be there for Delly. I picked up another blanket from the bassinette and put it under the baby hoping to minimize the jarring coldness Delly would feel when I put the baby in her arms.

"She's so beautiful – tiny, but beautiful." I said. The statement was true, and I hoped it would distract Delly a little as I lowered the dead baby to her. Delly's face broke into a pained little smile.

"I think she is too, but I'm her mother. It's nice to hear you say it."

Delly stared at the baby for a few minutes once she was holding it. I got the impression that she might be watching for the baby to move or take a breath. Then Delly brought her free hand up to her forehead and started to sob.

"Peeta, do you know why I came back to district 12?" She said.

"No, you haven't told me." I said.

"I haven't told anyone!" She said rather loudly.

I was taken aback. Where was she going with this? Who could know? She was a grieving mother.

She returned her voice to a whisper. "I was already pregnant…when I got married"

I took a deep breath. These were not words usually uttered between friends in District 12, even friends of the same gender.

"Please don't tell anyone." She begged.

"Never, never." I whispered reassuringly.

"I was the one who wanted to come here. Nobody who's a native of 13 would have thought anything of me being pregnant before…you know…because they need children so badly there. My family and friends were still in 13 though. They would have known what I'd done. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I knew that with all there was to do here in 12, nobody would pay any attention to gossip about wedding dates and birthdates. So I insisted that we come here. I feel so guilty now. If we'd stayed in 13 then maybe they could have saved the baby. She could have been born in a hospital."

I had to suppress an urge to go out of the bedroom and punch Delly's husband. I wondered if that's how Mr. Everdeen might feel if he was alive and knew I was sharing a bed with his daughter, innocently or not.

Delly continued, "I never even meant for this to happen. I was just so lonely in 13. He was my friend. We just. We just got lost in the moment."

I sighed. "Yeah, I know."

Delly darted her eyes over at me. It looked like a warning. It looked like she wondered how much I could relate to getting lost in the moment.

She went back to telling her own story though, "He'll leave me now, Peeta. Now that the baby is gone, I'll be alone." She said.

I sat back down and touched the arm Delly was using to hold the baby. "You're home now. You're not alone."

She was quiet for a few minutes. She touched the baby. She didn't cry as much. She seemed to be committing everything about the baby to memory. She unwrapped and rewrapped the blankets. She tried to move the baby's arms and legs even though that really didn't work very well. She stroked the baby's hands and feet. She curled the baby's hair with her fingers. She wrapped the baby up in the blanket and rocked it in her arms. I didn't know what to do so I just watched her. Then Delly told me I could put the baby back in the bassinette, and I did.

I went to the market to see Sae after I left Delly's house. I couldn't put into words how I'd watched Delly spend time with her dead baby. I just told Sae that I wasn't feeling well and to please tell Katniss that I'd see her tomorrow.

That night I had a terrible dream about Katniss dying in my arms while trying unsuccessfully to give birth to our baby. I couldn't do anything to help her or the baby. It was more terrible than any tracker jacker torture.


	10. Chapter 10

(Point of View: Katniss)

I didn't see Peeta for two days. I finally decided to go to his house. If he was sick then I wanted to check on him. If he had lied about being sick then I wanted to find out why, and there was only one way to find out. The fact that the door was ajar worried me. I pressed inside the house calling Peeta's name. He didn't answer, but I found him sitting in the kitchen. There was the smell of something burning in the oven. _Why didn't he take it out? _I thought. Peeta's had his elbows on the table. The skin around them was ghostly white from being pressed so forcefully into the pine wood. His face was buried in his hands as if he was trying to hide his eyes from something. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. _What's wrong with him? _I thought. _Will he try to hurt me? _Careful not to turn my back on Peeta, I removed a tray of burnt cookies from the oven. I looked around the room to plan my escape just in case I needed to run from him. Then I called his name again.

"Peeta." I said. "Peeta." He didn't move. I put my hand on his shoulder and he jumped. "Please don't touch me," He said. He followed that up with, "I'm sorry that I have to say that. It's just that it will be easier if you don't touch me."

He was trying hard. I could see his concentration. I assumed he was having some kind of flashbacks, and I understood what that was like to some degree. I wondered if my mere presence would make coping harder for Peeta. What if the flashbacks had to do with the hijacking? What if they really were about me?

Should I leave? Should I get Haymitch? Someone else? I asked. I thought of Delly. She wasn't an option right now. Poor Delly.

"No." He said. "Just tell me where we are. It makes me know I'm not really _there." _His voice was soft. He seemed to be exhausted but not necessarily in a physical way. He had to have been fighting this for some time.

"We're at your house in District 12, Peeta. You're safe. There are no more Hunger Games. The war is over. President Snow is dead."

"Tell me again." He said wearily.

I sat down beside Peeta. Instinctually, I brought my hands up to touch him. Then I realized that was exactly what he'd asked me not to do. So I folded my hands on the table. I repeated what I'd already said about where we were 2 or 3 times. Then I added more details: how Haymitch was our neighbor once again, how Greasy Sae cooked for us, how the stores were being rebuilt, and how we are building a medicine factory. I was careful to avoid the topic of Delly and the baby.

Finally, Peeta looked up at me. His eyes were red. They were tinged with a trace of the distant, tortured look I'd seen back in the Capitol. At first he only looked at me.

"Thanks." He said. "That really helped. I'd been trying to remind myself, but it works better when you do it."

"I will do that for you anytime. It is the least I can do." I said. I thought about how being tortured was probably the reason that he needed these reminders, and I felt a pain in my chest. Why did I hurt everyone I loved? All of them suffered because of me.

"Peeta, why don't you go and lie down. You seem exhausted."

"Will you stay with me?" He said. "I think it makes me sound weak to say this, but I don't want to be alone right now."

"Always." I said smiling.

He grinned, "I would have settled for 'yes' – but 'always' is even better."

"And it doesn't make you sound weak. It makes sense." I reassured him. "I don't like to be alone when I have nightmares.

We walked over to the living room and sat on the sofa. Peeta picked up my hand and kissed the back of it. I wrapped my other arm around Peeta's shoulder and encouraged him to lie down across the sofa on his side. He did. His head rested in my lap. Curling is hair around my fingers, I felt warm all over.

_This is not the time to start feeling that way, _I thought, but it was becoming difficult not to feel turned on every time I saw or touched Peeta.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked Peeta.

"It's too hard to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it." He answered. "It was about prison. Sometimes I re-live the torture in my head. Reliving it is less intense than what I felt when it happened, but I can still feel the sensations."

I could feel my face contort in sadness, then anger. Peeta couldn't see my face, but he must have felt my body become tense. I hated the people who did this to him.

"Is that why I haven't seen you lately – these flashbacks?"

"And the nightmares." He said.

"What are your nightmares like?" I asked him.

He was the one who seemed to grow tenser this time. "They are about losing you." He turned over so that he was facing up. Looking into my eyes, he said, "Katniss, I don't think I could live through losing you. I've lived through a lot of things, but losing you would break me. I know it.

"You aren't going to lose me." I said.

Peeta raised his head and kissed my lips. There were a series of kisses that felt light, peaceful, and passionate all at the same time. A rush of warmth and tingling feelings filled me and spread all through my body - out to my limbs and back to my center. Peeta sat up and deepened the kisses. Suddenly his hands were all over my upper body. I felt myself starting to let out a small sound but I swallowed it back down. He must have heard it tough. He stopped and smiled at me.

"I like it when I know I'm making you feel good." He said.

I lowered myself down so I was lying beside Peeta. There was some space between our bodies though. I kissed Peeta over and over. I ran my hands over his chest, pressing my fingertips into the fabric of his shirt. His breathing grew heavier. I thought of shifting over to close the space between us, but I decided to wait to see if Peeta did it. I leaned toward him though. Then I felt the heat from his body against my bear arms, and I was drawn to push myself up against him. I couldn't stop myself. I put my hands on his arms. It was something like a hug, but it was different. I felt warm in every place that touched him and in some places that didn't. Peeta's breathing grew even heavier as I continued to kiss him. I ran my hands up and down his arms where I could. He pulled away from my kisses to leave a trail of his own down the front of my blouse. I felt my head swim with pleasure. Another small whimper escaped my throat. His hands were on my back by then because I was so close to him. My heart raced, and my body ached to be even closer to him. So close that we'd be inseparable somehow. I pressed a little more. Peeta gasped. I thought I'd just startled him, but then he pushed me away a few inches with his strong arms.

"What's wrong? What did I do wrong?" I choked out.

"Nothing," he said as he tried to catch his breath. "Nothing. I just don't want to get you pregnant."

My breathing was slowing a bit. "Get me pregnant?" I said, truly confused. "Peeta, what we are doing won't get me pregnant."

"I know that. Of course, I know how girls get pregnant. It's just that in my dream it was my fault that you died because I got you pregnant. And Delly – what happened to her is because her husband got her pregnant."

I was growing a little frustrated with Peeta. I felt rejected when he pushed me away.

"No, Delly had a baby, and her baby died. It's not about the fact that her husband got her pregnant." I pointed out. Then I thought about what an odd statement that was for Peeta to make. Of course Delly's husband got her pregnant. That was not exactly unusual. Maybe they hadn't wanted a baby so soon and Peeta knew that.

I continued though, "And your nightmare was just a dream. I'm not going to die like that."

Peeta paused for a moment.

"I just don't want to ever do that to you." He said.

I thought maybe he was talking about not wanting to…make love to me...ever. I lowered my eyes.

"You mean, you don't want me? I asked.

"No." That's not what I meant at all. "I want you so much. Wanting you is all I can think about sometimes. I just mean that I don't want to hurt you or cause anything bad to happen to you…like in my nightmares." He said. "The only thing worse than losing you would be losing you and it being my fault."

I sighed and laid my head against his chest. I was careful not to close the space between us too much this time.

"It's OK, Peeta. I think I understand, but you can't protect me from everything. It's just not possible."


	11. Chapter 11

Point of View: Dr. Aurelius

I was hopeful that Peeta could re-establish a life in District 12, but I expected that there would be obstacles. My first phone conversation with him after his arrival confirmed just that.

"Do you think the most loving choice you can make for someone you love can be to leave them?" He asked abruptly.

"Maybe. Can you be a little more specific? Who are you talking about, and why would you leave them?" I asked knowing full well the answer to the first question but not the second.

"If I think I could hurt Katniss, would it be the most loving thing to do to leave her?"

It's hard to be a good psychiatrist if you can't see your patient. Most communication is body language, but even on the phone I could tell it pained Peeta just to ask me that question. He had trouble saying the words "leave her," for example.

"What exactly makes you think you could hurt her?" I asked.

Peeta sighed and there was a pause

"I had a nightmare about killing her." He said.

"And flashbacks, what about flashbacks?" I inquired

"I have flashbacks, but they aren't usually about Katniss. When they are, I know they aren't real. Being around the real Katniss now makes the scary imaginary one seem ridiculous." He explained

"Hmm. That's interesting." I replied. _Perhaps Peeta is benefiting from being around Katniss as much as he'd hoped Katniss would benefit from being around him._ I thought.

"And you said you had a nightmare about killing her. So I'm assuming that means it was disturbing as opposed to pleasant?"

"Yes! Very disturbing! I mean, Katniss was laying right beside me. What if I'd hurt her?"

_They're sleeping together?_ I thought. Wow. _That didn't take long_.

"So what did you do when you woke up? I asked.

"I jumped about a foot away from her. I think I was afraid of attacking her."

"So you protected her?" I clarified.

"Yes, I guess so."

"Then what did you do?" I asked.

"I ran out of the hous…" Peeta stopped talking. Then he continued, "Just so you know, we aren't living together or anything. I was just at her house, and it was at night."

"I see. Go on."

"Just so you understand what I mean. It's not like that." He said.

The idea that the boy "doth protest too much" came to my mind. I shook my head and suppressed a chuckle. I wondered what was really going on. You never know with young people. They are so new to love, but they think they know everything about it.

"So I went to my parents' bakery and cried! At least it was away from Katniss though." He said.

"Well, it sounds like you hated having this nightmare and have absolutely no intentions of carrying out anything like what it contained. Is that right?" I surmised.

"Yes, that's right." He said.

"So why does it make you think that Katniss isn't safe?" I asked.

"I don't know. It just seems wrong to have a nightmare like that." He said quietly.

"You don't control your dreams or, in this case, nightmares. Peeta, all you can do is deal with them. You didn't wake up confused and ready to act on the nightmare. That would be more of a concern than what you are describing. Has anything like that ever happened?" I asked.

"Well, no. That hasn't happened since the war ended." He said.

"That's good. You've come a long way."

"But how do I know I won't ever get confused and hurt her?" He asked.

"Nothing is impossible, but I can tell you that hearing what you have told me today doesn't make me fear for the safety of your girlfriend…I mean…Katniss."

_Opps_. I thought. Proclaiming that Katniss was his girlfriend wasn't what I intended! He hadn't called her that! On the other hand, he _was_ waking up beside her.

"I haven't told her about the nightmare. I feel badly about that. Do you think I should tell her?" He asked

"That's up to you. Honesty can be very good, but you have to use good judgment in deciding when to apply it. What do you hope to gain my telling her about the nightmare?"

"I hope she'll look out for herself, and that it will make her safer. I also think it might scare her." He replied.

"It sounds like you want to tell her, but you are afraid of her reaction."

"Yes, that's exactly how I feel." He clarified.

"Well, I'm sure you'll make a good decision about it Peeta. Just give it some thought. Take care. I am sending you refills of your medicine. By the way, tell Katniss that I have a package coming on the next train for her."

"Really? Are you sending my _girlfriend_ gifts now, Dr. Aurelius?" He said jokingly.

I laughed. "I guess. But it might end up being a gift for both of you. Maybe it should be considered a housewarming gift."

"Haaaa, Haaaa." He answered sarcastically.

Point of View: Peeta

_She was so beautiful…so beautiful_. I thought.

I could watch her forever. Standing at the vanity mirror, she gathered a section of her dark wavy brown hair and brushed it carefully. It fell down her back as she finished, contrasting with her light blue woven blouse. Then she gathered another section of hair. Oh, she still had no idea what she did to me.

I walked up behind her and reached for the hairbrush. She smiled and obliged.

"You know, you are lucky that I'm a baker. I can do all kinds of things with my hands." I said and then winced. "That didn't come out right."

She smiled and shook her head in an attempt at mock scolding.

"I can even braid hair." I added as I brushed.

"Really?" She said, sounding skeptical.

"Sure, you have to braid dough sometimes as a baker." I explained.

I started braiding her hair loosely, being careful not to pull it. When I'd finished, I tied the braid the way Katniss always did. Then I put my arms around her waist and kissed the back of her neck. She felt so amazing. I could hold her forever. I looked in the mirror at our faces. They were certainly different than before the games and the war: older, harder, and slightly burned in my case. We still were ourselves though. Inside, there was still a little of the school boy and the school girl.

"Let me look at you. Let me really look at you." I said.

She seemed to grow smaller in my arms as if her body contracted at the thought of it.

"You don't want to. We are going to have to be 'lights out' kind of people." She said quietly.

"No, I don't think so." I said. "You are beautiful. It's just that I want to see…what you allow me to touch."

She turned to face me.

"I can't do that. I feel…damaged. I can't."

I tried not to look too disappointed, but I think she could see that I was.

"Is it the scars because I have scars too?" I said.

Looking down, she sighed. "It's different. Mine are uglier."

"You probably just think that because they are yours." I said.

She shook her head slowly. "No, it's true. There's no comparison. Mine are much worse."

I reached over and touched her cheek. I put a stray hair behind her ear with my fingers.

"Trust me." I said.

Her brow furrowed, and she pressed her lips together tightly as if she was wishing what I was saying about her self-consciousness being unnecessary was true. Then Katniss turned around and slowly lifted the back of her blouse to reveal a few inches of her scarred skin. I was heart-sick for her because she was right about the scarring being more severe than my own. She must have been burned more badly than I'd known. I knew how much I'd hurt during my recovery from my own burns. I suspected that Katniss had been through much more.

I didn't want to touch her scarred skin, not knowing how that would feel to her. I wondered if I'd hurt her already.

"Katniss, I'm sorry that happened to you. You are beautiful though. It doesn't change that."

"There's more than that Peeta."

I looked into her steel colored eyes as I pressed my lips together. "Even so, you are still beautiful. I want you to tell me though. Are there places that hurt when I touch you?"

"Yes. There are places that feel really good too. You know that. There are also places that are numb." She said.

I could relate to that.

"Show me where. That way I can avoid the ones that hurt" I told her.

I thought Katniss would just point out where on her blouse to touch and where not to touch, but instead she carefully unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. I didn't notice her scars much after that.


	12. Chapter 12

(Point of View: Katniss)

_Over my head I hear them. They scream. They scream with the voices of the children in the Capitol as they are being blown to pieces. I hear Prim's cry among them. They are the Jabberjays. And Who am I? Who am I? The Mockingjay! Am I not the child of the Jabberjays? There is no escaping that I am their legacy: the joining of the natural and the un-natural. Perhaps I was never meant to be in this world at all. I have no bow and arrows to defend myself against the Jabberjays. I press my fingers into my ears so hard that my skull bones seem to want to give into the pressure. My hands shake from the effort, but nothing decreases the volume of the screams. Then I feel the rain. It's a sticky un-refreshing rain that does nothing to wash away my misery. It is surprisingly warm though. And as I look upwards, I see that the rain is blood – not water. I feel something cold under my feet. I look down to discover that it's a white tile floor. There are ridges where the tiles meet. I push my toe into one of them to make sure the floor is real. The blood begins pool in the ridges. Then I see him out of the corner of my eye. He is a few yards away. Two men in white uniforms stand on either side of him. _

"_Peeta!" I scream desperately. "Peeta!"_

_I run in his direction despite the presence of the men in white, but I run directly into something hard that knocks me backwards. It's a clear barrier. I watch as Peeta puts his hands and arms up in a defensive effort as one man in white draws back some kind of straight club with which to hit him. The other man pulls Peeta's arms away so that he can't defend himself. Peeta resists though. Two more men in white come from the side and grab hold of Peeta. _

"_Peeta!" I scream. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. "Peeta!" _

_They finally overpower him. I can't watch. I turn away and lower myself down the barrier. I'm facing away from my love as they beat him. The Jabberjays call his cries of pain. I pull at my hair and scratch at my skin. I must be dead. Surely this is hell._

Someone shook my shoulders.

_Leave me alone. I can't feel anymore. I have to shut down. Let me shut down. Leave me alone! _ I thought.

"Katniss! Katniss! Wake up." I heard. It was Peeta's voice, and it was coming from someplace other than behind me.

I opened my eyes to see Peeta's shadow over me. I startled and moved away, nearly falling off the bed in a loss of balance. Peeta grabbed my shoulders as I started to fall. He pulled me upwards.

"Katniss. Are you OK? You know where you are, don't you?" He asked.

I couldn't speak so I nodded.

"You know that you are safe here, right?" He asked. "You're safe here with me. Nothing is going to hurt you."

My eyes closed involuntary. The breath I'd been unconsciously holding left my body.

Peeta wrapped his arms around my head and shoulders. He pressed my head against his chest. I could

hear his rapid heartbeat. He was afraid for me. I was scaring him. I refused to make him suffer

any more than I already had.

"It was a terrible nightmare." I explained. "It was about the children at the mansion…and the clock arena."

He kissed the top of my head. Then he rested his chin there. He began to rock me back and forth ever so slightly. We stayed like that for a long time. Then the sun started to peak through the shutters.

(Point of View: Peeta)

I was surprised to find that the "gift" from Dr. Aurelius to Katniss was a book of parchment paper. Apparently Katniss had told him that she wanted to make a book of memories. At first I thought the book was a bad idea because Katniss seemed to be focused on bad memories when her mind shifted to the past. I was wrong. As she started to work on the book, it became clear that the book helped her focus on the good ones. Katniss asked me to make paintings and draw sketches for the book sometimes. I did whatever she asked. Then I'd watch her hands lovingly record the stories of the people she had lost beside the pictures I had created for her. She cried often. I cried with her. The memories were sweet though. I was glad they were in the book.

I didn't think it was possible for me to fall any more deeply in love with Katniss, but over those months, I did. I could no longer imagine my life without her. It was so far beyond my school-boy crush. We had proven that we were good for one another. I would have walked away if we weren't because I would have done anything to help her. The truth was that we were not only good for each other; we helped each other heal as well. My only remaining doubts about spending forever with Katniss were my fears for her safety. Of course, Katniss could have had doubts of her own.

One night Katniss was lying on the floor and working on her book. It was not a particularly emotional task that night as she was just decorating some of the pages.

"Remember when I told you about the nightmare of you dying because I got you pregnant?" I asked.

"Yes," She replied. "And I told you that I won't die that way."

She said it like she could simply will herself not to die in childbirth.

"That kind of thing is going to happen less and less anyway once we get more medical help here. Things are going to get better." She added.

"There was another nightmare about you dying around the same time." I said.

She kept decorating the book. She seemed unaffected.

"In the nightmare I killed you, Katniss." Saying the words sent a stabbing pain through my chest. "It scared me. It made me afraid to be near you." My voice cracked slightly.

Katniss stopped working on the book and came to sit with me on the sofa.

"You aren't going to kill me. You aren't going to be responsible for my death in any way. You have to stop believing that you are capable of that." Katniss said confidently.

"But I almost did it once, Katniss. I almost choked you to _death._"

She took my hand in hers. "That was not _you_. I know you, and that was not _you_." She said.

I looked over at her. Her gray eyes were so intense. This mattered to her. Why did it matter so much?

"Doesn't it bother you that I dreamed about killing you?" I asked.

"It only bothers me if you want to kill me when you're awake. If you just dream it then it's just a nightmare. I think the nightmare was probably just triggered by the remains of what the tracker jacker venom did to you. If you aren't sure, ask Dr. Aurelius." She said.

"I have. He said he wasn't afraid for your safety." I told her.

She smiled. "See. He agrees with me."

"So it wouldn't make you feel unsafe if I had a nightmare like that again?" I asked.

She was quiet for a moment.

"Tell me this, Peeta: What would you do if you had a nightmare like that again?"

"I'd probably get away from you for a while." I said. "That's what I did last time. I didn't want to hurt you, but I wanted to be sure I didn't. I'd probably tell you. I'd tell Dr. Aurelius too. I could tell Haymitch. Maybe I could talk to Delly. I could go bake or paint."

"Well, it sounds like you have plenty of ideas for dealing with it if it ever happens again!" She said with a giggle.

I had to smile too. I couldn't believe she was taking this so well.

She grew more serious for a moment though. "I was scared in District 13. I knew that you were very sick, Peeta. I thought it was my fault too. I still think that sometimes. It was so hard to see you like that. It was like the light had gone out in your soul, but you're back! You're _you_! And it's wonderful. None of us are exactly the same as we were before the war, but you are yourself again. That's how I know not to be afraid."

I put my hand behind her head and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

"Thank you for that." I said.

"For what?" She asked.

"For not giving up on me."

(Point of View: Katniss)

I was lying on the floor and caught up in the sounds and sensations of the two of us together. My head bumped against a bucket that I kept near the fire. I started to laugh.

"Peeta!" I said with a slight scolding tone.

"What?" He asked quietly, sounding like he'd rather not be interrupted.

Then he looked up to see me pushing the bucket away from my head.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

I sat up .

"Are we done?" He said breathlessly, sounding a little disappointed.

"Umm. No, but I thought we'd agreed not to be 'done' for now." I replied.

"I guess I just hoped we'd be closer to 'done.'" He said. He sat up too and rested his arms on his knees.

I kissed his cheek.

"Soon we'll be 'done.'" I said and smiled.


	13. Chapter 13

My dress was already around my ankles by the time I pushed the bedroom door closed with the back of my hand. Peeta, who was in front of me, took a step forward and kissed me deeply. With another kiss he pushed me back an inch or so. Taking a step of my own to compensate, I nearly tripped over my dress. Peeta smiled shyly as he caught my arm. He'd been uncharacteristically quiet all day, but I knew that he was very happy. With his strong arms, Peeta picked me up off the floor an inch or two. He then slid my dress across the hardwood floor with his foot. It was white, and I hoped it wasn't going to get dirty. My dress was special to me, but I knew that was not something any man was likely to consider on his wedding night. There was some lace trim on it, but my dress was very unlike the gaudy one the capitol citizens had chosen for my "fake" wedding. My real wedding dress was chosen by me, and it was perfect. Peeta had told me that I looked radiant in it. The only item related to the capitol on the dress was a blue sash that had been made by Cinna. Delly suggested that I tie it at my waist because in District 13 they told her she should wear something blue on her wedding day.

Freed from my dress, my feet stepped backwards as Peeta's stepped forwards. I interlaced our fingers, and we held our hands at about the level of my shoulders on either side of us. After a few more steps, I felt the soft cotton mattress sheet on the back of my knees. Peeta let go of my hands. My underclothes fell to the floor moments later, and I thought about how much faster a woman can be undressed than a man. _Is it that way by design?_ I wondered. Time consuming or not, I went about the task of making sure my husband reached a similar state of undress. He was more than happy to help in the process. I focused primarily on unbuttoning his dress shirt. After I'd opened it, I laid the side of my head against his chest to listen to his heartbeat.

I felt elated at finally being Peeta's wife. It was very freeing. His body belonged to me and mine to him. All the pent up longings could be released. Physically, I felt a little dizzy. It had been a long day. I was glad when Peeta touched my shoulders, encouraging me to sit down on the mattress. Then I felt myself being gently laid down, and I began to tremble. I felt that Peeta had to guide me through this in a way I hadn't expected.

"Are you cold?" Peeta asked.

I shook my head. I knew exactly why I trembled. It seemed ironic that I'd been a volunteer tribute, a victor, and a soldier; but I trembled at the vulnerability of intimacy. Peeta began kissing me again. I ran my hands up and down his body as far as they would reach. My dizziness only increased. I put my hands on Peeta's shoulders in an attempt to feel steady. He was right about his skillful baker's hands; every cell in my body seemed to become more sensitive by the second thanks to his touch. I closed my eyes. Tiny lights appeared in the lids. It was almost more than I could bear, pleasurable yet uncontrollable. My body ached in a way I didn't know was possible. I leaned up to whisper in his ear.

"It's alright to do it now."

His eyes registered surprise, then relief.

"Really? Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes."

I breathed deeply near Peeta's neck and took in his scent. He smelled like flour and frosting as he'd been baking for days. My hands trembled against Peeta's shoulders even though I tried to stop them.

"Are you really sure you're ready." He asked gently, his blue eyes stared into mine with both desire and concern. "I don't want to hurt you." He added.

"You won't." I lied.

"Promise me you'll tell me if I need to stop." He said.

"OK." I whispered. "I promise."

I felt like crying but didn't know why. I just loved him so much. I wished I wasn't so nervous. So I forced my mind to travel far from my fears. I imagined the coolness of the cave. I envisioned that most meaningful of kisses, the one that made me want another. I remembered the feel of Peeta's protective arms wrapping around me on the train. I thought about him soothing me after my nightmares. I recalled the hunger I'd felt on the beach. Thinking of Peeta and his long history of love for me melted my anxieties. I felt that hunger from the beach building inside me again. My mind seemed jolted to the present by it. I felt my breathing change. I squeezed my eyes shut and curled my whole body to meet Peeta's efforts. It was then that we became inseparable.

After, he whispered, "I just need to hear you say it _tonight. _You love me. Real or not real?"

His sleepy blue eyes glistened as he waited for my inevitable reply.

I told him, "Real."


	14. Chapter 14

[This chapter and the previous one are about THE hardest thing to write about – don't judge me too much! I had as hard a time writing these chapters as Peeta and Katniss have talking about the subject in my story!]

(Point of View: Peeta)

Katniss said, "You're so quiet," at the dinner we had for our wedding.

I was quiet about her comment too. Then I thought she might think something was wrong, and I told her that I just wanted to remember everything. That was true. I was also very distracted, which was going to make it hard to remember anything! How could I not be distracted? I hadn't been able to take my eyes off of Katniss all day. That image, at least, would be with me forever. Our few guests kept talking to me, and I just smiled politely before I went back to watching Katniss! Hopefully, they understood.

Katniss looked amazing. She'd been made-up by people from the Capitol many times, and I thought she looked lovely then. This time she looked beautiful in a different way though. Her dress was simpler than the ones from the capitol. She smelled of light spring flowers instead of the heavy fragrances they used there. Delly braided her hair elaborately yet tastefully. You wouldn't think I'd notice such things, but I noticed everything about her that day. Katniss looked like a beautiful woman from my home, which was exactly what she was.

Anticipation about our first night together was never far from my mind either. It was hard not to wish everyone would leave! Haymitch stayed the longest, and I think it is possible that he did it to annoy us! Maybe it was because I'd allowed him to bring liquor. When everyone did leave, we made the fire for the toasting. I'd made several different kinds of bread, and I simply asked Katniss to choose which one she liked best. She chose the one that was identical to the loaves of bread I'd given her when she was 12 years old. I kissed her lightly.

"That's sweet, Katniss. Thank you."

"You are the one who kept me from starving – twice. I should be thanking you!" She replied.

We toasted the bread. I tore off a piece and put it to her lips. Katniss laughed. She was teasing me. She did eat it though. I ate some too. It did make me feel officially married. It was a lovely tradition. Of course, then my attention shifted to even more intimate matters. I thought, _maybe we should just make love in front of the fire_. It was the first time though. I wanted her to feel more comfortable than she could possibly feel on the floor in front of the fire. _We'll save that little adventure for another time,_ I thought. So instead, I lead her up the stairs to her room…our room.

I'd never been with anyone else and neither had she. I knew it would be awkward despite the fact that we'd made out hundreds of times. This was different. Though I had no personal experience, my oldest brother had told me a few things about…this kind of thing. Of course, only half of it was probably true, but that half might still be useful. It was just like making out at first, but she seemed hesitant. I tried not to take it as rejection. I told myself that she was either self-conscious or afraid, probably both. _I'll just have to help her feel more comfortable_, I thought. I supposed that knowing we were going to finish things this time might be a little stressful for her.

Other than being uneasy about what I would do and how she would feel, making love to Katniss was wonderful for me. I had dreamed of it for so long! There were a few times that I had to remind myself that it was really happening! Not only that, that it was going to _keep_ happening! Happiness doesn't begin to describe what I felt. It was more like euphoria. She was mine. The Capitol hadn't forced her to choose me with threats. District 13 hadn't manipulated her into anything with obligation. She hadn't come to me out of poverty. Instead, she had chosen to be mine and vowed to stay mine of her own accord. How wonderful was that?

Katniss woke me up on the morning after the wedding with kisses and giggles. It was a side of her rarely seen by others. Even I didn't see it much before she fell in love with me. I had seen her act that happy with Prim when we were children, but it was mostly before their father died. Knowing I could bring this joy out in her was thrilling.

"Good morning, Mrs. Mellark." I said with a smile.

She nudged me with her elbow.

I kissed her.

"You were wonderful last night." I told her.

"I didn't do much, Peeta." She said.

"Yes you did; you trusted me. That's priceless." I replied. "Besides, I'll give you plenty of chances to do more if you'd like."

This time she kissed me. She giggled again and said, "I can't believe we didn't put our clothes back on!"

"Why should we?" I said.

"I don't know. We've just never done that before." She answered.

"There were several things that we did last night that we've never done before! Besides, I couldn't have handled sleeping this way _before._" I said.

She giggled. "No, I couldn't have handled it either."

She kissed me again and slid across the sheet to close the space between our bodies.

"Peeta, let's do it again." She whispered.

I looked down into her eyes. They were the brightest gray, well-rested, alive. There was no trace of the despair and affliction that I'd seen in them when I first came back to district 12. Her face was fuller and she'd gained enough weight to look healthy. I was so glad she was better.

"I'd love that." I answered.

_But this time this act of love is going to be all about you, Katniss. _I thought.

I tried to remember every time we'd been close. What had she liked and responded to? I tried to do all those things again – slowly and deliberately. I moved from one to another but always came back to those I knew she liked best. She tried to talk a few times but seemed to be too caught up in pleasure to finish what she was trying to say. I just smiled. She never stilled my hands or my lips to clarify. I pulled her body up so it was laying over my own and moved us against one another. Then I felt her take over. I smiled to myself. I watched her face, amazed that she'd finally let herself go. As she collapsed on my chest, I kissed her on the forehead.

"Peeta," She gasped, "Now I understand what _you_ do to _me." _


	15. Chapter 15

(Point of View: Peeta)

I twisted my wedding ring around my finger. It was a gift from Katniss. They've never been common in District 12, perhaps because of the expense. Mine was simple and modest. Katniss probably just wanted me to have a token of her love, but the ring became a lifeline for me. It was an ever-present link to reality when I was in "trouble." Unfortunately, my efforts to deal with "trouble" were never 100% successful.

It struck me at the oddest times. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make the bad memories completely go away. I'd start to feel afraid...terrified really. Then I'd feel things or see things that I didn't want to feel or see. They weren't hallucinations. They were memories. I'd feel the needle piercing my skin, for example, and suddenly I'd be back there.

_How will I ever get through this again? How many times are they going to do this to me? How many times have they already done it? I see the man in green standing over me. He moves the needle around in the skin of my arm, and it hurts. The pain is nothing like what is to come through. I know that. The man has more and more trouble with the needle every time, it seems. Finally, he steps back with a look of satisfaction. I feel the burning in my arm as the fluid begins to flow. The effect is almost immediate. My head feels dizzy, and my vision blurs. I close my eyes so I can't see how the objects in front of them morph into frightening puddles of color. The light-headedness is impossible to escape though. The room grows too warm. My throat feels too tight. My thoughts become fuzzy. They are quickly overtaken by the venom. Then I see her. I don't know how they are doing this. I thought my eyes were closed, yet I can see her. There she is. She's plotting against me with Rue. She's cutting the branch so the deadly mutts will drop on top of me. Doesn't she realize I'm there? Me? Not just them. Me! Doesn't she realize I'm trying to keep them from killing her? She must hate me if she's trying to kill me despite my attempts to protect her. She must want me dead. My arm feels as though fire shoots through it. I try to reach for it with my other hand, but I'm restrained. I try to cry out, but what escapes my lips is more like a moan. I feel nauseous. I shake. I don't want to watch anymore. She wants to kill me. Maybe I should let her. Or – maybe I should kill her. I start to feel cooler. I feel my heart slowing despite the fact that I'm still terrified. A feeling of weakness overwhelms me. I feel weightless, as if my body doesn't even touch the bed anymore. Then, I feel nothing…just nothing. _

_Suddenly I gasp. I'm panicked. I can see the man in green talking on the phone. His back is to me. A woman in green stands over me. Whatever is running swiftly into my arm now feels cold. She touches the tubing. There's a beeping noise. She looks behind me as if she's checking something. My vision is clear, and I feel better. My chest stings badly though. It's a strange feeling. I can hear the man in green talking on the phone._

"_Yeah, we got him back…I know, I know…There would have been hell to pay if we'd lost him…He's young though. He can take it to some degree, but if they are going to keep dosing this higher and higher they need to consider better ways to keep his blood pressure up and maybe a pacemaker too...I'm just saying, nobody can tolerate drops like that for long…if this kid is so important then they need to get somebody down here who can handle these emergencies…I just don't want it to be my fault! OK, just let me know what he says." _

I am sitting on the sofa in our house.

_I can't live like this_, I think_. I have to get away from here. I have to get away from her. _

My eyes well up with tears. I feel so weak! I should be stronger, but who could be stronger in the face of such things? They nearly killed me. I nearly killed the love of my life.

I did as Dr. Aurelius said. I talked myself through it. I twisted the wedding ring some more.

_I'm feeling this way because I'm remembering being tortured with the tracker jacker venom. I'm wearing my wedding ring. I can't be in prison being tortured because I didn't have a wedding ring then. This is District 12. I'm sitting on the sofa in our house. The war is over. So I know I'm not in prison being drugged and tortured. Katniss loves me. She's my wife._

It worked mostly, but on bad days my doubts would remain.

(Point of View: Dr. Aurelius)

I wasn't surprised when Katniss and Peeta married. They were young, but marrying at their age was not uncommon in District 12. I knew that they loved one another deeply. I did have concerns about the union causing them to always be reminded of their traumatic pasts. However, Katniss and Peeta did seem to help each other cope effectively with those pasts. Some of the trauma had even been shared trauma, though Peeta did not remember all of that. I hoped that maybe the way they supported one another would off-set the risk of reminders. I thought of them often. Looking back, I must have been worried. I suppose I knew there would be trouble.

(Point of View: Katniss)

Happiness actually scares me. It's too good to be true. After my father died, I lowered the expectations I had for my whole life. I would take care of Prim. Then I would be independent and alone. That way I would avoid the pain loving others can bring into a life_. I can't lose what I don't have. If I don't lose people, then I don't have to feel pain_, I thought_. _ For years I distanced myself from others. Dr. Aurelius called this attitude "a very costly coping strategy." He seemed to think there were better ones. Unfortunately, at 12 years old, it was the best I could do.

Once Peeta was my husband, I was consumed by the fear of losing him. Actually, I'd been afraid of losing him ever since the cave, but the fear grew exponentially after we married. There was also the matter of children. I knew Peeta wanted them. I didn't. Again, my attitude went something like this: if I have no children then I can't lose them. Even though the Hunger Games had been abolished, President Coin's proposal that they be continued after the war was proof that the threat of their re-institution was always there. Besides, there were less systemic ways the Capitol caused children to die: starvation, poverty, neglect. They didn't allow the districts enough freedom to improve any of that either. Who could say that any of those circumstances couldn't happen again in District 12? There were natural causes of loss like illness also. Peeta gave me a puzzled look the first time I told him about these fears.

He said, "You'll worry yourself to death thinking like that."

I replied, "But I won't be grieving."


	16. Chapter 16

(Point of View: Katniss)

I could tell he was struggling with his thoughts that day when he came home from town. He wouldn't look at me.

"Petta, what's wrong?" I asked sitting a cup of tea beside him as he stared into the fire.

He didn't answer at first. I busied myself in the kitchen. Then he started talking.

"It's hard to accept that I don't know what happened, Katniss. All my memories of us in the arena are distorted. They're so disturbing. The Katniss in those memories just doesn't seem like you at all." He said.

I sat down beside him.

"That's because she isn't me. She's just an invention of the Capitol. She's not real." I told him emphatically. I touched him lightly on the shoulder. He flinched slightly.

_Yes, he's definitely struggling,_ I thought.

"There are moments with you that seem pleasant in my memories, but even those are somehow contaminated. I guess that's from the hijacking, right?" He asked, clearly hoping for reassurance.

"Yes, I think that the feeling you have that your memories are contaminated is from the hijacking. Your memories _are_ contaminated." I said. He still seemed unsure.

"Will you tell me what really happened then?" He asked.

I recognized how hard it would be to tell him my perspective without revealing how I felt at the time. I wasn't sure I wanted him to know how I'd felt about him back then. I'd been so confused.

"The last memory I have that isn't shiny is when you found me at the river." He explained. "I was happy to see you. I thought that even if I died, I would get a chance to say 'goodbye' to you."

He wanted to say goodbye to me? I thought about it for a moment and realized he had actually tried to tell me goodbye in the cave. I'd stopped him. I didn't want him to give up. It was heartbreaking to hear how he felt about me back then. If only I had believed him when he said he loved me. My voice cracked.

"Yes, that's right. I found you, and we got you into the water. I washed your clothes. I did my best to clean your wound. Soon after, we made it to the cave." I said.

"So, the leaves you put on the wound, were they to heal it?" He asked.

"I hoped the leaves would help. Rue said they drew out tracker jacker venom. They did work on our stings. I thought they might help draw out the infection too, Peeta."

"So you didn't put them there to make the wound worse, right? You didn't do it to make it dirty again…to make it more infected?" Peeta said it like he almost believed that I could do something like that.

"No, I couldn't have done that. I didn't want you to die, Peeta. That's why I tried so hard to keep you alive."

"I remember the pain in my leg, and I remember the fever. Sometimes it seemed like you were trying to comfort me, but other times it seemed like you wanted to hurt me." He said. He looked down. "It's very confusing."

"I wasn't trying to hurt you. I wanted you to get better. That's why I went to get the medicine at the feast." I said as genuinely as I could.

He looked up, surprised.

"So when you gave me the sleeping syrup, you weren't trying to over-dose me?" He probed further.

"No. Absolutely not." I thought of taking his hand but knew he'd likely pull it away. Now was not the time.

"Why didn't you just leave me? Why didn't you just kill me?" He inquired.

"Because I didn't want you to die, Peeta." I answered.

"And because you didn't want to look cold-hearted…on screen?" He added.

"I certainly didn't want to look cold-hearted or even be cold-hearted, but that's not why I stayed with you." I clarified. "Where would you even get an idea like that?"

I started to get upset. He was right, of course. Once the rule change was made so that two victors could win, I knew I could never return home to District 12 as a victor if I didn't at least try to help Peeta. Was that my only reason for looking for him? If so, what kind of person was I? Maybe I was what the Capitol made him believe I was?

"Why did you kiss me, Katniss?" He blurted out.

The room suddenly felt cold to me. I wasn't even sure I understood all the reasons for kissing him myself. I tried to explain anyway.

"I was confused, Peeta. I knew it was what Hayminth wanted me to do. I also knew we needed to look like we were falling in love for the cameras. I also felt something for you. I wanted you to live so desperately. I…I think I was beginning to fall in love with you…but I didn't know it. I kissed you because of all of that."

"So did the kisses mean anything to you…because the way I remember them, you didn't seem to mean them or like them?" He asked.

He looked so confused. I started to cry. My sadness was eclipsed only by my anger towards the Capitol.

"Peeta, they came to mean _everything_ to me. That's what's important. The kiss we had when we were both better, that's the one that really meant something to me. It was the first one that made me want more. I think we would have kissed more, but my head started bleeding again. You told me I had to lie down. Then there was the beach in the clock arena. When we kissed there, I was amazed. I'd never felt that way before. You brought something out in me that I didn't know existed…a hunger…for…you."

Peeta's face looked sad.

"I don't remember any of that." He said.

"It was beautiful, Peeta. I wish you remembered it too. You gave me the pearl and the locket." Tears were streaming down my face.

Peeta put his arms around my shoulders and hugged me. I laid my head on his shoulder. I smiled. He could touch me once again.

"Katniss," he said, "can I ask you one more thing?"

I wondered why he thought he had to ask. He was my husband!

"I know you felt confused for a long time, when did you _know_ that you were in love with me?"

"I think that happened on the victory tour. I just didn't know it then. I'll never forgive myself for making you wait so long to know that I loved you. Even back in District 12, I never told you! If you'd died in prison, you'd never have known." I said.

"No, I think I did know deep down, but I also knew you didn't _want_ to be in love with me." He confessed.

He couldn't see me, but my eyes grew wide. Yes, he was right.

(Point of View: Katniss)

We sat on the floor by the fire later that night.

"So, we were holding each other like this," I said, demonstrating how we'd wrapped ourselves around each other on the beach the last night in the clock arena.

"Really? We did _that_ on television in front of the whole country?" He shook his head smiling.

"Yes, but everyone thought we were married and pregnant anyway," I answered giggling.

"Then we did this." I said, kissing him lightly. "And this," I went on, deepening the kiss. "And this," I said starting a series of passionate kisses like the ones we'd had on the beach.

He stopped to take a breath.

"I think I get the idea," he said. His eyes softened, and he gently cupped the back of my head in his hand. He took over the kisses.

After a few minutes, I pushed the pearl into his palm. He closed his hand around it.

"The pearl meant so much to me. It was a link to you when we were apart."

He smiled.

"And this." I held the locket in my hand. "You brought this with you into the arena. You gave it to me in order to convince me to try to survive for my family. Of course, I knew that that meant you were willing to die for me – again."

I leaned in to kiss Peeta.

I pushed Peeta's shoulder downward with my hand until he realized that I wanted him to lie down. He complied, his eyes filling with desire for me. He smiled, took a deep breath, and closed them.

Then I made sure he had a new memory.

[My plan for the next chapter is for Haymitch and Peeta to discuss Haymitch's opinions on love. It could take me a few days to write that! I hope you still like the story. I realize that it's long…so thanks for staying with me…we have a few more things to do before concluding]


	17. Chapter 17

(Point of View: Haymitch)

The boy knocked on my door at 1 AM. To say he looked upset would be quite an understatement.

"Katniss and I had a fight," he announced as he walked right past me and into my kitchen.

"Well, won't you come in." I said sarcastically as I followed him.

Peeta turned around and glared at me.

Son, you are going to have to define 'fight' because I know that girl, and I know you." I gave him what I hoped was a knowing glance. I picked up my liquior bottle from the table. "You want a drink?" I added.

"It was an argument then." He said, "and yes, I do want a drink."

I'd been joking about the drink. I laid out two glasses and I poured him a drink anyway though.

"You must be desperate if you are looking for advice on love from me, son." I said. "You're just fortunate that Sae invited me to dinner tonight and kept me sober. Otherwise I'd be unavailable to you even for comisserating."

I watched Peeta down the liquor I poured for him. The face he made would have been comical if I hadn't been getting concerned about him. I decided to hold off on my glass.

So I asked him, "Peeta, why don't you just tell me what's bothering you? What happened?" And if that question alone doesn't _proove_ that I was stone cold sober that night then I don't know what does!

"She told me to 'go home,' meaning to my house." He said. He ran his finger along the rim of the empty glass in front of him.

"She threw you out?" I said, stunned.

Peeta sighed. "She said that I'm going to leave anyway, and I might as well do it now." He looked away from me. I wondered how long it might take for liquor to kick in for the uninitiated.

"Why would she say that?"

"Because I want to have a baby, and she doesn't. She doesn't want one – ever." He explained. Tipping his glass toward me he added, "Can you pour me another."

I stared at him for a moment and poured a smaller amount than last time. He swirled it around in the glass as he continued.

"I sort of knew she didn't want kids, Haymitch. I thought I could handle that. Now that we are married though, I feel like I've given up something very precious to me to be with Katniss. Katniss is more precious to me, of course. I guess I just hoped she'd change her mind about having a baby."

I felt for the boy. I'd once had dreams like that for my future too.

"She hasn't had much time to think about it, has she? She's still pre-occupied with just getting through the day, isn't she? I said.

"Probably. I don't know why we were even talking about having a baby. Even I don't think we should do it right now, but Katniss said that she knows I'll leave her eventually. She says I'll find someone who does want a family." He said slowly.

_He is definitely being affected by the alcohol, _I thought._ Wonderful, now I have to send him home drunk! That is, if she lets him come back home. _

"I think part of it is that I don't want to wait too long. I'm afraid of something going wrong if Katniss gets pregnant, and I have nightmares of her dying. You remember that she was wounded a couple of times and had surgery in District 13? Apparently, it is safer for her to have a baby when she's younger if she's going to have one. So I thought we shouldn't wait too long."

Peeta put the glass down and rubbed his hands down his face. Then he rested his hands on the table, staring down at them.

"Wow. I can't believe I'm even saying that. I'm afraid of Katniss dying, and yet I'm pressing her to do the very thing that I fear could kill her. I just want kids so much, Haymitch. I can't really explain why it's so important to me."

I decided to let my guard down. After all, I wanted to help him…and her. I owed them at least that.

"Peeta, when I was about your age, Snow had my girl killed. If I could see her, even for a minute, I would not take anything for granted. I would enjoy everything I could about her, and I would make sure she knew I loved her. If you want my opinion, you and Katniss should just love each other right now. These other matters will work themselves out given time."

Peeta looked up. His glassy eyes indicated deep thought…though perhaps slower thought than usual.

Then he asked me, "You never got over that loss, did you?"

"Not really," I said. "They killed my family too – my brother and my mother. I found them dead. The grief never really left me. Whatever contribution I made to the revolution was for my girl and my family. I wanted the Capitol to fall for personal as well as political reasons."

Peeta sighed deeply.

"and that's why…" He stopped.

"…I'm a hopeless drunk?" I finished.

"Actually, I was going to say 'you have such a hard time dealing with life.'" He clarified.

Peeta looked like he felt sorry for me, which made me uncomfortable. I poured myself a drink.

"Did you ever fall in love again?"

"Yes. There was a woman in the Capitol. I had to go there frequently as the only mentor from my district. We kept our relationship a secret. Unfortunately, I had reason to believe that our secret wasn't safe. I had to push her away." I told him.

"You made that choice out of fear for her safety?" You let her go _because _you loved her so much? He asked.

"Yes. It was…really hard." I admitted.

"I think I did come to the right place for advice on love, Haymitch. Thank you." Peeta said, standing up.

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked.

"Home."

"Don't say anything you don't mean, Peeta," I told him as he opened the front door.

"I won't."

(Point of View: Katniss)

Peeta knocked on the door even though it was his house too. I didn't want to see him. I was tired of arguing, but the idea of not seeing him was frightening. What if he really did leave me? Why shouldn't he? As soon as I opened the door, I could tell he'd been drinking. I had never known him to drink before. I walked out into the night air to talk to him on the porch as if I wasn't ready to have him come in the house yet.

"I guess you visited Haymitch." I said.

"Yes." He said, his voice not sounding quite like his own. "And I realized something. I realized that I want to be with you no matter what we decide to do in the future about having kids." He said. His eyes looked sad, but sincere. He put his hands on my shoulders clumsily and kissed me on the forehead. "I hope you will at least consider having a baby someday, Katniss. I don't want to pressure you though. I just don't want you…or me…to miss out on something wonderful becasuse of all the bad things that have happned. I don't want you to let hopelessness win."

I thought for a moment. He was willing to compromise, to wait.

"I see what you mean. I guess that I don't want to let 'hopelessness' win either. I need…time…to decide though." I said. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

_Why do I always cry about this? _I thought. _Maybe it's because it feels so troubling to disaapoint him. If it were him that didn't want children, wouldn't he compromise and have a child with me anyway? On the other hand, it is me who will carry the child in my body and give birth to it. It is me who will mother it. That makes the decision different for me. _

"Peeta," I said. "before the reaping, I thought I'd never marry and never have children. I was _afraid _to marry and have children. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but marrying you was hard for me. Even though I loved you madly, I'd always thought I'd be alone. Loving you makes me…vulnerable…in a way that is hard for me to accpet. When I think of bringing a chld into the world, it scares me. I need time."

He nodded, but he looked dejected.

"I don't want us to fight about this." I said.

"Then we won't." Peeta said quietly. "It won't change anything to argue. You know how I feel anyway. It's not likely to change. I know how you feel, and you say you need time. Let's leave it at that for now." Peeta said. He drew me in to hold me.

I wondered what kind of mother Peeta thought I'd be. I knew he had not been close to his mother. In fact, his mother was probably best described as abusive to him and his brothers. My own mother was so distant that she not only missed our wedding, she didn't even acknowledge it! Peeta and I had poor examples of motherhood. I knew what kind of father Peeta would be though. He would be patient and kind. He would shore up my efforts at motherhood and make us better parents. I wasn't sure that was enough though. The world was a dangerous place. How could I choose to bring a baby into it? I thought I had so much control over the matter, but I was about to find out how little control I had.

**,**


	18. Chapter 18

(Point of View: Katniss)

Sitting on the ridge that had been my meeting place with Gale, I watched the swiftly moving clouds overtake the blue haze that hung over the mountains. _These are my mountains_, I thought_. I can feel them in my bones. They soothe me, even when a storm threatens to move into them. They are so old, so worn, and so lovely. I never want to leave them. This is home. _ _This is peace._

I needed peace because my emotions were in turmoil. Peeta and I had just returned from District 13. It had been a short trip; one that I didn't want to take. Peeta was helping with the reconstruction efforts in District 12 by then, and he needed to meet with a District 13 government official about them. So I went along. Dr. Aurelius suggested that I see a medical colleague of his while we were there. I'd learned not to question recommendations from Dr. Aurelius because Peeta trusted him so much. I regretted my compliance as I sat on the cold metal table waiting for the doctor though. The walls of the room were made of green tiles and looked like every other hospital and medical room in District 13. They made me want to vomit. I'd spent too much of my time in District 13 surrounded by walls just like them. I thought of Prim busying herself in the medical wards. She really liked it in 13. Of course, Prim could probably like any place

"Miss Everdeen." The doctor said, offering his hand. I shook it tentatively.

"Mrs. Mellark, actually." I replied.

"Oh, yes. Sorry. Mrs. Mellark. I want to tell you before we get started that as a citizen, I appreciate everything you did during the revolution. I planned to tell you that anyway, but now that I've seen your chart I want to thank you all the more. Your sacrifices were personal and significant."

I sat motionless, astonished. The man obviously still thought I was some kind of hero. I wondered what he would think if he knew the truth about me: that I had spent much of the war hiding in a closet, that I murdered a defenseless civilian in the capitol, that most of my "Mockingjay" moments were designed by others, and that I was really just a love-sick teenager when I was supposedly inspiring a revolution.

_What should my response be_? I thought. _ If only Peeta were here. He'd know what to say._

"Thank you." I said. "That is very kind of you."

The doctor's face displayed a concerned little smile as he continued.

"I talked to the doctor who saw you in District 12 a while ago. He said you were severely dehydrated and malnourished. He considered your condition quite serious, even life-threatening. Dr. Aurelius feels that that dangerous incident was related to psychological factors. He's probably correct, especially since you've been able to gain weight and avoid dehydration since. I ran some tests none-the-less. Mostly, everything looks normal. We did note on a scan that your bones are brittle for your age. That may have contributed to your broken ribs during the war. Brittle bones not that uncommon in District 12 residents though. Malnutrition seems to be the primary cause. Tell me; were you more malnourished than most in District 12 as a child?"

"My father died and my mother was...sick." I said. "Even before that, we were not well-off."

"So, that's a 'yes'?" He asked slowly.

"I guess so."

"So after your father died, things got worse?" He asked.

"Yes."

"How old were you?"

"12."

"Did you ever faint?"

"Yes."

"Feel cold even though it was warm outside?"

"Yes."

"Have frequent headaches?"

"Yes."

"Get so tired you could not get out of bed?

"Yes, I missed some school."

"Could you see your ribs when looked at yourself in a mirror?" He asked.

"Yes." I replied.

I was starting to feel offended.

_Is he trying to humiliate me? _I thought.

"Had you started your periods?"

"Um, yes." I said.

"Did they stop?"

"Yes, they did for a while."

"How long?" He asked.

"about two years, I think."

"I see." He said. "And this time, were the symptoms of malnutrition similar?"

"Yes." I replied.

"Did your periods stop then too?"

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Why are you asking me this? Are you trying to embarrass me over the fact that I was poor as a child? Are you trying to make me feel bad for being sick after the war?"

I regretted my accusations immediately. I knew as I said them that they weren't true. I was simply angry. I was angry that he was asking about what happened to me, and I was angry that it happened.

"No, not at all." He said with a surprised tone. "I admire you, Mrs. Mellark. I already told you that. I'm just trying to find out more about...what happened to you...so I can…explain my current findings."

"And asking me about my periods helps you do that?" I said, still sounding frustrated.

"Yes, it does. Your test results show that you've been malnourished recently, and now I know you were chronically malnourished at a critical stage of development. That takes a toll on a person's body. It is probably why your bones are brittle. We can help you with that though. We wouldn't want you falling and breaking something. There are other consequences associated with this kind of malnutrition though. Some of them are reproductive. That's why I asked about your periods."

"What do you mean 'consequences'?" I said, trying to sound calm again.

"Sometimes women with this kind of history can't get pregnant. If they do get pregnant, they have more problems than other women." He said.

I could feel my brow furrow. The doctor continued talking as I struggled to keep listening, "So I did some hormone tests, and I don't think you could get pregnant right now if you tried. That could change though. I just wanted to tell you about all of this this because here in District 13 we have become very good at helping people with fertility problems have babies. I didn't want you and Mr. Mellark to be unaware of your options if you decided to try to conceive and had difficulties.

"You are making a lot of assumptions." I said quietly.

"It's an important goal here in District 13 to promote fertility. It should be in District 12 too since your population was decimated."

He didn't mean for his comment to hurt me, but it stung all the same. _Yes, my district's population was decimated…because of me._ I thought. _What's worse? I might not even be able to participate in its resurgence!_

The doctor continued. "Regardless of whether you decide to try to conceive, you should probably gain a little more weight. You're still under-weight. Try to take good care of yourself. Keep talking to Dr. Aurelius. Get enough sleep. The decision as to whether or not to try to conceive is ultimately up to you. This isn't the Capitol. You should do whatever is best for you, Mrs. Mellark. I didn't mean to imply otherwise.

_Whatever is best for me?_ I thought. _What about what is best for Peeta?_

I was very quiet as we traveled home. The next day I told Peeta I was going to the woods to hunt. Mostly, I cried though. That night I looked through the memory book we'd made. I stopped at the picture of Finnick and Annie's baby. I was holding a new picture of him. In it, he was sitting up by himself.

"Are you alright," Peeta asked me. "Ever since we got back from 13, you haven't been yourself. Now you are looking at your book." He said.

"I just want to remember them" I said. "I want to live a good life and make their sacrifices count, Peeta."

Peeta joined me in looking at the new picture.

"He looks so much like Finnick." He said.

"Those eyes are Finnick's for sure." I agreed, "but he has some of Annie's features too."

Peeta' nodded.

I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer. Looking at Finnick's son's picture, I knew that I had to tell Peeta.

"Peeta, did you really mean it when you said you'd be alright with not having a child? I mean, I know you had a drink with Haymitch. It was really late, and we were both worn out from arguing. You can take back what you said if you didn't mean it."

Peeta put his arm around me and turned me away from the book to look at him.

"Katniss, I want to have a baby with you." He said, "But if you really don't want one, then I think I can accept that...eventually."

"What if I do want one, and I can't have one?" I asked, my voice cracking.

He looked a little confused. "I don't know." He said, "I haven't thought about that."

I looked down at the book. Finnick's son stared back at me from its pages. I didn't want to look at Peeta when I told him.

"Well, it might be true."

There was a long pause. I found it unbearable, but I refused to look up from the book. Peeta pulled his arm more tightly around me, a gesture of love. He wanted me to know he wouldn't let me go, but I knew that those feelings of loyalty might not last. People had deserted me before.

Finally Peeta asked, "How do you know that? Did the doctor in District 13 tell you that?"

"Yes." I said.

"Why _wouldn't_ you be able to have a baby?" He said.

"...because...because...of who I am...and how I grew up...and what I did to cope with the war." I said.

I laid my head down and started to cry. Then I realized I was getting the book wet, and I moved it to the side.

Peeta simply let me cry for a few minutes. He rubbed my back and kissed my hand.

Then he said, "I don't understand, Katniss. Please tell me what he told you."

So I did. By the time I got to the end of the story, I was sobbing.

I told him through my tears, "and you know what the worst part is, Peeta? The worst part is that this last time it was my fault! It was selfish of me to sit around and wish myself dead to the point of starvation. Now I've robbed us of the opportunity to have something you want so much. I thought they would execute me in the Capitol, so I gave up. And here, I just wanted to die. I couldn't see a future. How could I have been so selfish?"

Peeta took both of my hands in his. I felt him rest is forehead on the back of my head gently. "Katniss, stop. This isn't good for you. You have to stop blaming yourself. You were doing the best you could."

"You'll blame me." I whispered.

"No." He said softly. "I'll blame the Capitol. I'll blame how they enslaved us and kept us in poverty. I'll blame the Hunger Games and the people who invented them. I'll blame President Snow. I'll blame District 13 and President Coin. I'll blame the war. I won't blame you - ever."

I looked up at him. Even through my tears I could see the despairing look in his eyes. It was different than the usual concerned look they had when I became upset. His eyes showed that he understood the truth: even if he could convince me to join him in his dream of having a family, that dream might not come true.


	19. Chapter 19

[Author's note: I'm going slightly off cannon here because I think Katniss is more maternal than she thinks. She mothered Prim, after all! Of course, no disrespect to the great Suzanne Collins intended.]

(Point of View: Dr. Aurelius)

Peeta was worried about Katniss. I was too. Both of them had problems, but Peeta never seemed to completely give in to them. Katniss occasionally did.

"She just can't get past it." Peeta told me. "I wish I hadn't made it so clear that I wanted kids. If I'd known there was any kind of problem beyond her being hesitant, I would never have pressured her at all."

I believed him.

"Does she talk about it?" I asked

"Sometimes. She apologizes to me. How crazy is that?" He said sadly.

"Does she want to try to get pregnant?" I asked, hoping she didn't.

"No, not right now anyway." He said.

Peeta sighed, "What should I do?"

"Do what you do best Peeta. Be supportive. Remind her that life is not as bleak as she thinks it is."

(Point of View: Peeta)

I kept telling Katniss, "The doctor didn't say you _couldn't_ have a baby. He just said you might need some help."

That didn't matter though. Katniss still thought that she was "damaged." Sometimes comforting her was impossible. I felt that she was slipping away from me.

"I'm not the wife I want to be." She'd say, "I'm not the wife you deserve."

I'd shake my head and tell her how I loved her. It didn't matter. She was convinced that her way of thinking was the truth. I was convinced that this was about way more than whether or not she could have a baby.

The mornings seemed to be the hardest for her. If I hadn't promised anyone I'd bake for them, I'd just lie in bed beside her. I'd hold her hand because she didn't seem to like being held any other way in the mornings. Holding her hand made me feel like she couldn't physically slip away even if she was in another world emotionally. We rarely made love, and when we did she cried afterwards. When I asked her why she was crying, she'd say it was because it felt good. That made no sense to me. I thought of her giggling the morning after our wedding, and I wished that I could hear her giggle again. As I felt more distant from her, my memories from the tracker jacker torture and prison bothered me more. On my worst days, I didn't even have the capacity to try to comfort Katniss. She certainly wasn't able to comfort me in her state of mind. I distracted myself though. During the day, I'd bake and paint. I worked with other residents on the reconstruction efforts too.

One evening when I returned home Katniss was sitting in the rocking chair by the fire. She had a blanket pulled over her all the way up to her shoulders. I thought of that phone call from Haymitch, the one that motivated me to work so hard to get back to district 12…

"She's not eating. She never leaves the house. We can't even get her to bathe. She barely speaks some days…" He'd said.

_How are things any different now?_ I thought.

I realized that she hadn't moved when I came in, and I suddenly felt the need to make sure she was breathing. I rushed over and slipped the blanket down to her lap. I held my breath until I saw her chest rise and fall. Grateful, I got down on my knees and laid my head on the blanket. She stirred and touched my hair.

"Peeta." She said weakly. "When did you get home?"

"Just now. Did you eat?"

"No, I'm not hungry." She said. She ran her fingers through my hair a few times.

I looked up at her. Her gray eyes were dull and sad.

"Please don't do this again." I said.

"Do what again?" She asked.

"Give up." I was having trouble swallowing the lump forming in my throat.

She looked away.

"I need to give up. You need to give up on me too, Peeta." She said.

"I'm never going to do that." I said.

"Why not? I know I'm not going to make it. It's just like in the games when you knew you weren't going to make it." She said.

"But I did make it!"

"Only because we cheated, Peeta."

"So cheat." I said. "Survive even though you shouldn't be able to survive!"

"It's too late. I'm too tired." She said.

I pulled away from her a bit.

"Katniss, how can you say that?" I nearly yelled. "I can't watch you do this."

"You don't have to watch it. You can leave. Everybody leaves. I understand."

I lifted her chin to make her look at me, "Katniss, I know what it's like to give up. I know you don't think I do, but I do. When I'd recovered enough to know how insane I'd been in District 13, I never wanted to be that way again. I knew I would be that way again, at least to some degree. And that's been true. I have flashbacks and nightmares so often. Sometimes you know it, and sometimes you don't. I know they aren't going to go away. It's a struggle every single day. But I get better at dealing with it. I get help. I talk to people. I even take medicine. And I've come to believe that my struggle is basically a struggle for hope."

I was quiet for a moment. She was listening. Somehow I was getting through.

I kept my voice quiet but firm. "Things can get better. They can always get better. It doesn't matter how much we've lost. It doesn't matter how bad things have gotten, they can get better. I think you've lost sight of hope, Katniss. I want you to hold on to mine until you have some again. Can you do that…for me?

"I think that is kind of like cheating…stealing your hope." She said quietly.

"You're not stealing it. I'm giving it to you." I said.

She stared back at me. She pressed her lips together, and I could almost see her thinking.

"I'll…I'll try, Peeta." She said.

I moved close to her again and wrapped my arms around her. Then I helped her up gently.

"Let's start with getting you something to eat and then maybe I can help you get a bath." I said.

She nodded but closed her eyes as if even the idea of doing anything exhausted her.

It was a long night.

(Point of View: Katniss)

Peeta was right. If history was any indication, this deep sadness was going to keep happening to me over and over again. Peeta wanted me to call Dr. Aurelius, so I did. I'd always approached conversations with Dr. Aurelius with reservations, but this time I was very honest with him. I listened to everything he told me. When he made recommendations, I followed them. He encouraged me to keep doing the little things that I needed to do every day. He said that eventually I'd see the value of them again. He was right. Slowly, small pleasures started to come back into my life. Peeta accidentally burning loaf bread made me smile. Haymitch chasing the goslings he was raising out of my yard made me laugh. Whenever Peeta saw my face light up he'd kiss me and tell me how beautiful I was. It took a long time to get completely well again, nearly a year in all. I did hold on to Peeta's hope, and eventually I re-gained some of my own.

(Point of View: Peeta)

One night as I was painting, Katniss sat down in the chair next to the easel. She swung her body sideways, hanging her legs over one arm of the chair and resting her back on the other. She gave me a mischievous smile.

"What are you doing?" I said happily, smiling back.

"I'm interrupting you." She said as she kicked her feet slightly. She still had no idea what she did to me.

"It's working." I said putting aside my work carefully.

I moved to the edge of the chair and kissed her lips softly. She looked at my hands, which were a little stained from the paint. Then her gray eyes looked into mine with a deep tenderness that I couldn't place. I'd never seen that look before.

"I love you, Peeta." She whispered.

I nodded. "I love you too. So much."

"And…I want to have a baby with you," she said. "I want to at least try."

I was quiet. I really didn't know what to say. Of course, I was happy that she felt that way, but I knew she might not be ready to get pregnant. She might not be well enough. How in the world could I tell her that though? She had come so far.

_Maybe I should just let this happen_, I thought. _After all, we probably won't get pregnant._

"I know I can do it now; I can be a good mother. You just have to help me."

She was melting my heart. She never said things like that about herself.

"Yes, you willbe a great mother." I said gently.

I put a stray hair from across her forehead behind her ear.

"Make love to me." She said.

It was hard to resist her when she was so clear about her feelings on a matter.

_It will be alright. _I thought. _She will be alright._

I picked her up from the chair and carried her to our room. It wasn't very hard to do, but I think she thought it was very romantic. She smiled widely as I laid her down in the bed. It was probably our most passionate night together to that point. A shared goal made us closer somehow.

"Do you think we made a baby tonight?" I said afterwards.

"We'll know in 2 to 4 weeks. Don't get too excited though. It's just as likely that it'll be 10 years before we make a baby!" She replied.

I chuckled. "It's going to be alright." I said.

"Yes, it is." She giggled.


	20. Chapter 20

(Point of View: Katniss)

_I am lying down. My knees are bent, and my feet rest on the ground. The air smells of evergreens. Mountain laurel blossoms hang heavy in the thicket that surrounds me. I'm cold and realize that I am wearing few clothes. Maybe I've hidden myself here in this thicket? I don't remember. I have a profound sense of doom. Surely this is the arena. I wonder if I'm on television. I hope not! _

_I try to raise my body with my arms, but I can only do so about an inch. I hear a squishing sound as I am forced back to the ground by gravity and bodily weakness. Looking down, I see that the ground is wet. I feel the wetness underneath me, and I wonder if it has rained. The trees don't seem wet though. I reach up to pick a large white laurel blossom, hoping to eventually cover myself with them so the camera can't have any opportunity to show me partially unclothed. I'm distracted from the task when I see blood on my hand. Looking down I see more blood; it's everywhere. It covers my legs and hands. Some of the blood looks partially rinsed off though. I wonder if the wetness underneath me is all blood! Maybe I'm in shock. How could I be wounded this badly? What happened?_

_A wave of nausea rolls over me. Then an indescribable pain shoots through me and I shriek. I try to stifle the noise. This is the arena! I have to be quiet! As the pain subsides, I think of the girl who built the fire the first night of the games. I thought she was so stupid. Now I am giving away my location just as she did. I look around for a weapon to defend myself in my obviously feeble state. I find nothing. _

_Pain grips my body again and I cry out loudly before I can attempt to stop myself. I wonder who has heard me. I try to catch my breath as the pain slowly subsides. Then I see him. He is perched in the canopy of trees. A jabberjay. He looks as though he'll start his call. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and pray he'll be silent. I know they'll find me and kill me for sure if he calls. My situation is bad enough without a jabberjay repeating my vocal indiscretions. I hear nothing, but when I look up again the jabberjay stares back at me. Turning his head, he seems extraordinarily sinister. He has the power of life and death over me._

_I feel another searing pain, and I breathe rapidly to try to fight crying out. It's futile – a scream escapes my lips. "No, no," I whimper as my scream subsides. "No, no," the jabberjay repeats at roughly the same volume. It is so ominous to hear him utter my voice! He doesn't repeat my scream though. _

_My mouth is so dry. The canopy of trees blurs before my eyes. I feel the blood in the soil with my hands. "What's happening to me? I'm dying," I think. Another agonizing pain grips me. It is even more intense. My fingers dig into the soil below me. I scream a long scream of terror and pain. _

_Momentarily, my vision clears; the jabberjay's black eyes stare at me. Then it screams loudly with my voice. My eyes fill with tears._

I woke with a start, crying. Peeta must have been asleep too because he sat straight up in bed, obviously alarmed.

"What's wrong?" He asked frantically. "A nightmare?"

"Yes." I said, burying my face in my hands and leaning up against Peeta's chest. He held me there for a few minutes as I cried.

"Are you alright?" He said. His voice was soft and soothing.

"I think so." I said, still a little shaken. I looked at my hands; there was no blood. The room was quiet and warm.

"And the baby?" He said

I took one of his hands and put it on my belly where I had felt the baby kick just a moment earlier. It kicked again, right under his hand. He smiled, though the smile was tinged with some worry.

"It's probably not good for it – for me to get so upset." I said. "I can't control my dreams though."

"That's true. All you can do is calm down once you are awake." He said. "You do seem to be calming down. Do you want to talk about the nightmare?"

"I think I was dying in it." I explained.

"Dying how?" Peeta asked.

"I think I was bleeding to death. I was in pain. I think it was in the arena."

Peeta put his hand on my shoulder, urging me to lie back down. He looked at me lovingly as he put his hand back on my belly. The baby was quiet though.

"It sounds awful. It must be hard for you to deal with your nightmares and worry about the baby too"

"This one was so scary, Peeta." I said, starting to feel more anxious again, "there was a jabberjay in it …and all this blood…but water too, I think…and I was lying down but sort of trying to roll up sometimes…I kept having these awful pains, but they weren't all the time…just sometimes…and they kept getting worse…" I stopped. Peeta stared at me; he looked ghostly white.

_Oh, how I could have been so stupid_, I thought. _The dream is about the baby…having the baby. Poor Peeta. He'll never sleep tonight after this._

"That doesn't sound like the arena." He said as he looked down.

"Peeta, it was just a dream." I reassured him.

He was quiet, looking at my belly. He rubbed his hand across it gently.

He looked up at me slowly. His blue eyes seemed deeper, darker, and sadder. "I don't want to lose you, Karniss. I don't want to lose either of you." He said.

"Nothing bad will happen to us, Peeta. I promise. We're going to be fine." I said. "Having a baby is a natural process."

"Yes, but problems do happen. Remember what happened to Delly?" He whispered.

"Problems only happen occasionally." I said, trying to sound comforting. "I'm not afraid, Peeta."

He nodded, but still looked dejected. Since his hand still rested on my belly, I placed my own hand over his. Then I started to sing a lullaby for our baby. It was for Peeta too.

(Point of View: Peeta)

Katniss didn't get pregnant that first month, or the next one, or the next one. She got pregnant though. She didn't need any medical help to do it. She was very pleased. Although it was ridiculous, Katniss seemed to think that being able to get pregnant without assistance made her less "damaged." The truth was that I didn't consider her "damaged" in the first place!

I began to wonder about being a father. I thought of my own father often. I missed him so much, especially during that time. I wished I could seek his advice. He was a good man and a good father. I hoped I'd be like him. I thought about my mother too. She was my mother, but she was wrong in how she "disciplined" my brothers and me. I hoped Katniss and I would do better.

(Point of View: Katniss)

I tried really hard to stay positive about life in general, not just the pregnancy. Some days were harder than others. I forced myself to get out to the house more. I talked to people more. I went to town to the market. I occasionally helped Peeta bake, although I was a terrible baker! Actually, I was a terrible cook too, but I tried to improve. I spent time with Sae and Delly. I helped Haymitch with his growing goose flock. On really tough days when it seemed hard to enjoy anything, I started playing a game in my mind. I tried to think of all the good and kind acts I'd seen people do. If necessary, I said the good things aloud or wrote them down. It was surprisingly calming.

"Peeta gave me bread. He saved my life."

"I volunteered as tribute in place of Prim. I save her life, at least for a while."

"Haymitch found sponsors for Peeta and me even though our situation seemed hopeless."

"District 11 sent me bread even though they had so little. They cared about me and wanted to thank me."

"Tresh spared my life in thanks for what I did for Rue."

"Peeta offered some of our winnings to Rue and Tresh's families."

"The other victors protected Peeta and me in the clock arena."

"Prim took care of people in District 13 – total strangers. She loved them like friends and neighbors."

"Peeta chose to warn District 13 about the attack even though he knew he'd suffer for it."

"Haymitch waited by my side after Peeta hurt me, so I wouldn't have to wake up all alone."

"Gale chose to help rescue Peeta from the Capitol. He may have done that for Peeta, or he may have done that for me. Either way; it was kind and brave."

"Sae and Haymitch took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself."

"Peeta chose to come back to District 12 because he loved me."

"Peeta hasn't given up on me."

I tried hard not to give up on myself…I could no longer afford to do that…not with a baby coming.


	21. Chapter 21

(Point of View: Peeta)

I watched my wife from across the room as she dressed for the day. There's something incredibly sensual about a woman carrying your baby. Walking up behind Katniss, I brushed her hair to the side, and kissed her neck. She stopped fussing over how her maternity clothes were fitting and grinned. The changes in her body from the pregnancy made her exquisitely sensitive to every gesture of affection. Her eyelashes flitted together as she closed her soft gray eyes. It is true that women have a glow about them when they're pregnant, and Katniss certainly did. I knew she was waiting to see what I would do next. I put my hands on either side of her body, and she sighed deeply. Her skin was softer than ever, and she smelled like vanilla soap. I closed my eyes too and wrapped Katniss in my arms I felt her lean her head to the side, giving me more access to her neck. Then she turned around to face me and began kissing me. She couldn't help but bump her growing belly up against me as she did so. I smiled underneath the kisses and leaned slightly down and sideways so it was easier for her to reach me. She seemed just as captivated by the moment as I was until she pulled away.

"Peeta," she said softly, "I have to get to town this morning."

"Oh," I said as I backed away; I gave her one more kiss. "I'm glad you are going out. It's good for you and the baby."

"Yes," she smiled. "I think it is too."

Curious, I asked, "What are you doing in town?"

"I'm meeting Delly." She answered.

She'd been spending time with Delly more and more. I was delighted that Katniss and Delly had become friends. Delly was usually bright and cheerful. She was good for Katniss.

"Alright, have fun." I said. I kissed Katniss goodbye casually. Had I known what a momentous day in our lives this one would be, I would have held Katniss tight and not let her go.

(Point of View: Delly)

Katniss had become increasingly apprehensive as she got further along in her pregnancy. I encouraged her to tell Petta about her feelings, but she wouldn't.

"I'm afraid to tell Peeta." She said. "He's already so anxious about the baby and me."

"You can talk to Peeta, Katniss. He's your husband. He can handle much more than you think he can too." I told her.

"No, Delly. I don't think you understand fully how much Peeta has been through just to be with me. I can't burden him any more than I already have. I need to let him have some peace for once." She explained.

I thought that attitude was a mistake, but I was hardly an expert on marital communication. My own husband and I could not even mention the baby we lost without our grief degenerating into an argument. Actually, the argument was mostly one sided. I usually didn't say much. The core of the issue was that he wanted me to forget about our baby, and I couldn't do that.

"I can handle these fears on my own." Katniss added, bringing me back from thoughts of my own pregnancy and baby.

"Well, you aren't really on your own. You have me." I said.

Katniss smiled. "Well, it is good to have a friend."

Gradually, Katniss leaned on my friendship more and more. She told me she was afraid when she thought about giving birth and had terrible nightmares. I had strange dreams when I was pregnant too, but mine were not scary like the ones Katniss had. I tried to reassure her that she would be fine, but I knew that even brave Katniss would be scared when she delivered her baby. She'd be in pain. It would be hard. That was only natural. Worrying would not change any of that though.

"I'll help you while you're going through your labor and delivery if you want me there." I told her. "Sae would be willing to do the same Katniss, and she's very kind during times like that. I don't know how I would have gotten through my delivery without Sae and the midwife. You'll be right there in your own house where you've made a life with Peeta. You'll see."

"Oh, Peeta will be so nervous." She said.

"We'll take care of him too." I giggled.

Katniss told me about some of the people she lost in the war. I knew some but not others. She rarely went into detail. I got the sense that she wanted to tell me more, but she didn't want to make me upset. Talking about Finnick was hardest. Both of us had loved and respected him. I talked to Katniss about the baby I lost and what the bombing of District 12 was like. Katniss asked about the bombing. Otherwise I would not have burdened her with that. I chose not to share some details of the story to protect her. There were also some atrocities that I'd witnessed on the night of the bombing that I refused talk about with _anyone_. Besides, I felt that Katniss did not need any more suffering in her life.

I was really glad that I'd been selective in telling the story of the bombing when Katniss told me one day, "It's my fault that they died, Delly. Peeta's family, our friends, and our neighbors were killed by me! I don't know if I can ever get past that."

I was stunned that she felt the bombing was her fault. "No, Katniss" I reassured her. "Nobody thinks that. The bombing wasn't your fault. The Capitol bombed District 12. It was their fault!"

Katniss was really an amazing person. Back in District 13, I was rather starstruck by the fact that I knew "Katniss Everdeen, the Mockingjay." So many in District 13 were impressed that I knew her, even though I barely knew her. I realized I'd been unfair in judging her for her difficulties after the war. When Katniss and I truly became friends I started to appreciate the inner strength Peeta saw in her for the first time. She became a real person in my mind and not just a media image.

Despite the fact that we were often talking of serious matters, we had fun too. I liked to be in town and visit friends. I loved to be at the marketplace just to see what was new. Katniss went with me. She loved to be in the woods, but Peeta would have frowned upon her going into the woods alone as she progressed in her pregnancy. Really, anyone would have! So we planned some outings in the woods together. We didn't tell Peeta though. Katniss thought it best not to worry him.

One day we brought some food and planned to have a picnic. It was already getting warm by midmorning. We stopped early to eat and drink some water.

"I want to show you something, Delly." Katniss said after the picnic.

We walked further into the woods than usual. We crossed several small hills and a couple of steeper ones. Then Katniss pointed to a rock ledge.

"From that ledge you can see across the valley. The mountains look so beautiful. That's the place where I was the morning of the reaping. I took the memory of the view from that ledge with me into the games. It represented home to me – a home I thought I might never see again." She explained. "Now it's a place where I go to gather my thoughts."

Katniss took a few steps towards the ledge.

"Don't even think about it Katniss! You can't climb up there. Your balance is really poor at this point. Believe me. I remember." I warned.

"I'm not going to climb up there. I wish I could though." She turned and gave me a mischievous smile. "Why don't you? Trust me, it's worth it."

Climbing a rock ledge in the woods was not something I would normally do, but Katniss seemed very excited about sharing this place with me. I decided to try. My foot slipped only once and very briefly. Once on the ledge I turned my self around I was astonished at the view.

"Katniss, you're right! It's lovely! I can't believe I've never been…"

"Damn it!" I heard Katniss say loudly.

I turned to look at her.

She was sitting on the ground holding her ankle and rocking back and forth.

"What's wrong?" I called down.

"Just get down here!" She screamed back.

I felt shaky climbing down the rocks of the ledge. _What could be wrong?_ I thought. _Maybe she fell._

When my feet finally hit the ground I ran over to Katniss. I could see blood on her ankle when I got close. Katniss continued to hold her ankle while rocking herself back and forth.

"A copperhead*." She said, looking terrified. "I must have stepped on it. I can't even see my feet anymore! My high boots don't fit, and I have to wear these low ones."

Then Katniss looked up at me, her eyes wide with increasing fear, "Delly, the baby!" She said it like she'd just then remembered that she was pregnant.

Katniss let out a few more moans of pain, so I knew she was hurting badly. Katniss was very tough. She took her hands off her ankle for a moment, and I could see the fang marks.

"Are you sure it was a copperhead?" I said my heart pounding.

"Delly, I know what a copperhead looks like! It was a big one too."

Katniss moaned and rocked a little more. I started to panic.

"Katniss, stop rocking! Stop! It will make it worse. It'll spread the venom. Be still." I told her. I grabbed her shoulders and held them firmly.

I pulled up the hem of my dress and ripped the thread with my teeth. It took my trembling fingers a few seconds to release the threads. Fortunately, the dress was old and I was able to rip the fabric easily. I tore off a strip and tied it around the leg above the bite. Katniss watched me, still whimpering.

"Delly, what about my baby?" She said, starting to cry.

"I know, Sweetie. I know. I'm going to get help. I'm so sorry I have to leave you here, but there's no other way. You have to stay calm, and you have to stay still." My voice cracked. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders hoping to comfort her.

I ran as fast as I could toward the meadow and town. I thought about where I could go. Where would Peeta be? Haymitch? I had to get someone to carry her out of the woods. I decided it would have to be the first able bodied person I found! I knew about copperhead bites. Everyone in District 12 did. They could kill. The caused breathing problems, fainting and shock! Even if they didn't cause life-threatening symptoms they could make a person very ill or cause them to lose a limb. I knew Katniss and the baby were both in serious danger, but I knew the baby was probably most vulnerable. The baby was totally dependent on Katniss for life, and if Katniss went into shock…well…I didn't want to think about what would happen to the baby. I couldn't save my own baby, and I was determined to save Katniss and Peeta's no matter what it took. I knew first-hand what the loss would do to them if I failed. Worse than that, if Katniss succumbed to the symptoms of the bite then the baby would die too. Peeta would lose them both. I ran faster and faster.

(* Copperhead – venomous snake common in the eastern United States)


	22. Chapter 22

(Point of View: Katniss)

It was nearly impossible to tell a mutt copperhead from a common copperhead without a genetic test of the specimen. Unfortunately, both mutt and common copperheads lived in District 12. So there was no way to know what kind of copperhead had bitten me. The mutts were more aggressive, and the symptoms of their bites were much worse. When a copperhead bite caused a death or very severe problems everyone assumed it was probably a mutt bite. Even common copperhead bites were dangerous and could be deadly though. Copperheads were treated with respect in District 12! I couldn't believe I'd stepped on one. Walking in the woods for years, I'd never even come close before.

Some said you could tell a mutt had caused the bite by the incredible speed with which the symptoms appeared. If that was the case then I was in serious trouble. My leg throbbed and burned with surprising intensity. I'd experienced the pain of burns and surgery. Although the burns were certainly the worst pain I'd ever felt, the pain from the copperhead bite was severe too. Within minutes my leg was significantly swollen. As the skin began to feel taut, the pain increased. I started to feel nauseous, and I knew the venom must have moved beyond my leg.

Despite all of that, my mind stayed fixed on my baby. I wanted to be reassured of the baby's well-being by feeling the baby move, but I felt nothing. I pressed my fingers gently into my belly until I felt some part of the baby, almost certainly its head or rump. I was hoping the baby would push back, but there was no response.

I thought, _if the baby dies then it will never know how much we loved it_. I felt a sudden ache in my arms to hold my baby. It was a feeling I'd never felt before.

Trying to think of a way to show the baby love, I began singing the lullaby I'd been singing after my nightmares. I had to stop as nausea overwhelmed me though. I was afraid of vomiting because I knew it would cause me to move around, and I was trying desperately to stay still. Although I lost sense of time, I remember feeling very woozy sometime after singing the lullaby. Thinking clearly was still possible though.

_I shouldn't have come out here into the woods. I feel so badly for Peeta. He didn't want to lose us. He's going to lose us._ _ I don't want to die. I don't want the baby to die._

My vision started to blur. The dizziness intensified. I felt incredibly thirsty.

The baby still hadn't moved. I wondered how long it had been since the bite and since the baby had moved. My mind grew fuzzier. I felt a tightening in my belly occasionally, but the baby still didn't move. It was not a painful tightening, just strange. The pain was still concentrated in my leg.

_Maybe I should say goodbye to the baby, just in case_. I thought.

I couldn't bring myself to say or even think a "goodbye" to my baby, but I did touch my belly gently. Even though my hand barely moved, the small expression of affection was important to me.

'_You'll be a great mother.' Peeta had said. _

I felt too weak to get upset. I heard myself sigh, but I couldn't feel it somehow. My body felt distant from my mind. I thought of what I'd say to Peeta if I could speak to him; the words that came to mind were "thank you." I knew he knew that I loved him. I didn't know for sure if Peeta knew how grateful I was for how he loved me. The pain was still there, but a feeling of weightlessness was taking over every other sensation. I don't remember closing my eyes, but everything turned black.

(Point of View: Delly)

I'd already crossed over into the merchant district before I saw anyone!

_Why is it taking me so long to get help?_ I thought.

The first person I saw the grocer's son. He was about 12 years old. I didn't know him well, but I didn't care. When he saw me running and frantic he looked startled.

"Peeta Mellark." I said breathlessly. "Do you have any idea where he'd be?"

"No." He said.

Then Rory, Gale's brother, walked up behind the other boy.

"Rory, where's Peeta? Any ideas?" I asked.

"I saw him earlier. He was going back home, I think." Rory said.

"Rory, I need you to go find him. Please. Katniss was bitten by a copperhead. She's out in the woods. "

Rory's face turned a little pale. He was old enough to understand that this was a bad situation.

"Ok, I'll get the other kids together too. We'll find Peeta and send him to the woods. Where is she in the woods?"

"She's at a rock ledge. I don't really know how to tell Peeta how to get there." I said, worrying about yet another problem: directions!

"Can you see across the valley from the ledge? Is it the one near the berry patches and the steep hills?" He said.

"Yes!" I said.

_Finally, some good luck_, I thought.

"I know the place. I can find it." Rory assured me.

Rory and the grocer's son ran down the street. I saw them stop and quickly gather several other kids for their mission. Then all the kids ran in different directions.

I ran for the clinic. Both the midwife and the doctor were often there. I ran in through the door, interrupting the midwife as she was talking to a very pregnant woman.

"You've got to help me!" I said. The pregnant lady moved away.

"What's wrong, Delly?" The midwife asked calmly.

"Katniss. We were in the woods and a copperhead bit her leg!" I told her. The midwife grabbed my arm and pulled me back through a door to the back of the clinic. She started shuffling through a refrigerated drawer filled with medicines.

"Was it a mutt or not?" She inquired, her voice sounding concerned but controlled.

"No idea. Katniss was hurting really bad though. Does that mean it was a mutt?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"Not necessarily." She replied. "Was she having trouble breathing? Did she feel faint?" She asked.

"No, not when I left. I ran back to town right away though." I explained.

Having found the medicines she was looking for the midwife picked up the phone. I thought she was wasting precious time, but I decided to trust her. First she called the doctor and asked him to meet her at the edge of the woods. Then she called Haymitch. I couldn't hear much of her call with Haymitch. I did catch the end of the conversation when she said, "she is the Mockingjay after all."

Once off the phone, the midwife gathered a few more supplies in a bag. Then we made our way to the woods. The doctor was there when we reached the fence. He'd been seeing a patient nearby, he said. He wanted to know exactly what happened, so I told him as we walked as fast as we could through the woods. He asked the midwife about the pregnancy – How far along? Healthy? First baby? I found out that Katniss was 31 weeks pregnant. That was about how far along I'd been when my baby was born dead. My heart sank. The doctor asked about the bite, and I told him everything I'd already told the midwife.

Finally, we reached the ledge. When I saw Katniss slumped over completely, I ran ahead. The doctor and midwife quickly followed behind me.

"Katniss! Katniss!" I said. She didn't wake up. The doctor checked for a pulse at her neck and nodded at the midwife. They started working fast. The doctor started an IV and commanded me to stand up and hold the bottle with the fluid. I obeyed. He put a syringe in the tubing of the IV and injected something into it. The midwife listened with an instrument that I knew was supposed to find the baby's heartbeat. My eyes started filling with tears. She nodded to the doctor.

"They're both still alive." She said without looking at me. "We've got to keep it that way though.

Katniss looked so helpless lying there on the ground. I realized what a disadvantage it was being in the woods when I watched the doctor listening to her heart and checking her blood pressure. There were no monitoring machines in the woods and no extra supplies. Even for district 12, this was primitive. The midwife examined Katniss the way she'd done with me when I was in labor with my baby.

"Four centimeters. That's new. And she's contracting." She said, looking at the doctor. The doctor and midwife turned Katniss on her side.

"We're going to keep her on her side because it's better for the baby." The doctor said.

I nodded.

I was starting to panic again, but I didn't fully understand what they were saying either. Was Katniss in labor? Was she in shock? Why was she unconscious?

Just then Rory came over the hill with Peeta following close behind him. Peeta looked terrible, as worried as I'd ever seen him look. He froze when he saw me standing over his unconscious, pregnant wife. I tried to give him an encouraging look that said, "They're both alive, at least." It fell flat. He rushed over to Katniss, dropped to his knees, and took her hand in his.

"Peeta, they are both still with us." The doctor said quietly. "Katniss is in labor though. The baby probably won't live if it's born in these circumstances.

I could no longer hold back my tears. They started streaming down my face, and I swear one landed right on Peeta's hand before I could keep it from dropping off my face.

"What do you mean 'here,'" I said because Peeta didn't.

"We usually can't save a baby born this young in District 12. We simply don't have the facilities and the means." The midwife admitted. "It's possible the labor will stop, but there's no way to know that for certain. She's already four centimeters though. Sometimes premature babies come quickly; they are small. There's not much we can do, especially out here. Moving her to town will probably make the labor progress faster."

"What about Katniss?" Peeta whispered. They were the first words he'd uttered since arriving.

"Her blood pressure is too low, Peeta. This hit Katniss fast. There's a good chance that this copperhead was a mutt. I don't know what's going to happen. The baby is dependent on Katniss and will be affected by whatever happens to her. We've already given Katniss the anti-venom we had at the clinic, and we're giving her fluids and medicine to try to raise her blood pressure." He motioned up towards me and the bottle I held. "The anti-venom won't reverse the damage already done though. It simply stops the progression."

I watched as Peeta lowered himself to the ground completely, struggling to do so with his artificial leg. He lay down beside Katniss placing his face next to hers. I suddenly felt that I shouldn't be there. The doctor and midwife did not seem uncomfortable with Peeta's gesture though. In fact, for a moment the midwife put her hand on Peeta's shoulder reassuringly. Peeta wrapped his arm around Katniss right over her swollen belly. I thought I saw a tear escape Peeta's eye. I looked away, feeling that I was intruding.

"I'm so sorry, Peeta." The doctor said. "Don't lose hope yet though. Katniss could pull through. The labor could stop. This is not over yet."

Peeta was quiet. I didn't look down. I was sure he was crying, and I couldn't bear to see Peeta cry. My heart broke for him. I thought of how he'd stayed with me while I held the baby I lost. I prayed that we weren't doing something similar for him: staying with him while his family slipped away.


	23. Chapter 23

[THANKS for all the reviews! I love reviews. I hope you like this chapter too.]

(Point of View: Peeta)

Lying there on the ground with my wife and unborn baby, I was reminded of waking up to find Katniss unconscious in the cave during the Hunger Games. The fear that Katniss would never wake up was palpable. I tried not to think negatively, but Katniss looked almost lifeless laying there on the ground. It was…beyond words…for me to see her like that. Thoughts of our baby trying to survive inside her also filled my mind. _Unimaginable._ I thought. _It's unimaginable to lose them. _I _had_ imagined it though. In fact, I'd predicted it. _What have I done? _I thought._ How could I let this happen? I didn't mean to do it, but I really have killed her. _It was irrational, but it was how I felt.

The others prepared to be in the woods for some time. The midwife put a blanket over Katniss, and the doctor built a fire as the temperature started to drop. They improvised a holder for the IV bottle so Delly didn't have to keep holding it. Then I heard Katniss make a noise. It was soft at first. It almost sounded like the noises she made when she was trying to wake up from a nightmare.

"Katniss! Katniss!" I said. I squeezed her hands and shook her shoulder.

The midwife and doctor approached, having heard the sound of me calling her name.

I kept calling her name, but Katniss didn't respond to me. She only made a few more noises and then became quiet again. The midwife cut her eyes over toward Delly. She was signaling something, but I didn't know what. I felt Delly touch my shoulder.

"Peeta," she said, "why don't you come with me for a few minutes?"

Looking up at Delly, I saw a sense of urgency in her eyes. I let go of Katniss and walked away. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the doctor and midwife examining Katniss as best they could in the twilight of the woods.

"Delly, I'm not going to be able to handle this." I confided. "This is too much for me." My hands trembled. Delly stilled my hands.

"Peeta." She said. "The strength? It comes." Her voice was gentle and confident. She lowered her eyes and gave my hands a squeeze of reassurance. "I promise you; it does."

I heard another series of sounds escape from Katniss. They sounded muffled, but they were somewhat like moans.

The midwife motioned for us to come back over to where Katniss was. She took my open hand and rested it on Katniss' belly. Katniss' belly felt rigid but gradually relaxed.

"Peeta, Katniss is not really waking up right now." The midwife said, "She's reacting to the labor pains. That was a contraction. They are getting stronger, so she's reacting to them in a way she didn't before. The labor is progressing. She's 6 centimeters now which is over halfway to the point where the baby can be born."

"Everything else is the same Peeta. We still don't know what's going to happen to Katniss. Her labor is unlikely to stop though. I'd say the baby will be born overnight or tomorrow." The doctor continued.

I kept my hand on Katniss' belly so I could feel her belly tighten and then relax. My hopes that Katniss was waking up were shattered. I never thought I'd wish to hear Katniss call out to me in pain, but that night I did. It would have meant for certain that she was coming back to me.

(Point of View: Haymitch)

Everybody knows I have connections in District 13. If somebody wants something from them, they usually come to me. The midwife called saying she needed me to call District 13 to ask for more snake anti-venom. The stuff was expensive, she said. District 12 didn't have that much, she continued and continued. I had no idea why she needed the anti-venom. Then she mentioned Katniss! I demanded that she tell me what was happening. She relayed the story of Katniss being bitten by a copperhead, and how they might need more anti-venom than they had. Suddenly I was once again in the position of negotiating for items to rescue Katniss, just like in the games. When I warned the midwife that I might not be able to persuade District 13 to agree; she snapped at me. She told me to tell them that it was for Katniss! She said that District 13 should be willing to do anything to help Katniss and reminded me that Katniss was the Mockingjay. Clearly, she was unaware of the complexities of politics and culture in District 13! After all, Katniss had killed their president. She was both loved and hated, depending on who you asked. The midwife was right that the Mockingjay angle was my best shot at getting anti-venom quickly though. I spent the next few hours trying to find the right person: a person who did love the Mockingjay and who also had access to anti-venom! Having had no luck, I was racking my brain trying to think of who else I could call when Rory ran through my front door.

"Mr. Abernathy," he said. "They don't need any anti-venom. They said it won't help her now."

My eyes grew wide. My mouth dropped open. I prepared for the boy to give me the worst of news.

"They said they need you to get someone in district 13 to send a hovercraft instead…to take her to 13." He continued.

To get a Hovercraft, I knew exactly who to call. I fumbled through a drawer and found a book of phone numbers. Then I quickly dialed.

"Beetee," I said, "This is Haymitch. Katniss is in trouble."

(Point of View: Delly)

The hovercraft that appeared over us to take Katniss to District 13 wasn't a medical one. It was military. Beetee himself was on-board. Beetee , the doctor, and the hovercraft pilot carefully carried Katniss on-board while I tried to stay out of the way.

"Come on, Delly." The midwife said. "You have to take care of Peeta while I take care of Katniss."

I obeyed. I took a perplexed Peeta's arm and lead him onto the hovercraft. He was becoming increasingly confused. I was hoping that the incredible stress of the situation wasn't triggering some kind of episode. Peeta kept saying something about Katniss not wanting to go back to District 13. Finally, as I clicked a seatbelt around his waist before take-off, Peeta told me that Katniss wouldn't want to _die_ in District 13.

"Katniss isn't going to die, Peeta. We are going to try to make sure of that."

When we made it to the hospital, Beetee sent me ahead with a small hand-held computer. He told me to give it to the nurse at the front desk while he and the others got Katniss off the hovercraft. I did as he told me. The nurse immediately went into another room and came back with two young-looking doctors. One had red hair and seemed to be in charge.

Weary, I slid back against a nearby wall. The red headed doctor read aloud from the hand-held device, "'20 year old female, 31 weeks pregnant, bitten by a muttation copperhead, _and_ she's in pre-term labor.' _That's_ a train wreck! _That's_ the kind of case you only get from District 12! Ha!" He slapped his hand on the table and grinned at his colleague.

"Yeah, yeah. And she'll probably be wearing a blue cotton dress and have her hair braided in pigtails." The other young doctor replied, laughing.

The nurse glared at them, "It's Katniss Everdeen; you might want to show a little respect." She said. "Actually, you might want to show a little respect anyway." She continued, cutting her eyes over toward me.

I looked down at my torn dress and dirty hands. Yes, I'd been trying to save my friend's life for a day, but these doctors probably didn't know that. They probably saw only a filthy girl from a backward place.

"Oh, really?" The red-headed doctor said raising an eyebrow, "Huh. Katniss Everdeen."

Just then Katniss was brought in on a stretcher. The young doctors sprang into action, examining Katniss in a nearby room. I wondered if they would have done that anyway or if the sudden enthusiasm was due to the fact that they now knew that their patient was famous.

An attendant dressed in white appeared and quickly squirted a clear liquid onto Katniss's belly. She began moving a plastic device all over it. A very clear image of the baby appeared on the nearby screen. I moved closer to see the baby.

"This baby is breech." She said. "And 30-31 weeks based on growth."

"Ok." the red-haired doctor said turning towards me. "Are you the next of kin for Miss Everdeen here?"

Just then Beetee lead Peeta into the room.

"No, he is." I said pointing to Peeta, "This is her husband."

"Aren't you?" The doctor started to ask with a befuddled expression. Then he shook his head as if to clear his thoughts.

"Never mind." He continued. "Here's the deal. There's no stopping this labor, and the baby is upside down. It's supposed to come out head first, and it's turned such that it will come out rump first. That can be very bad for the baby's head and neck. I am a little worried about your baby in particular because it's more fragile, being premature. Plus we don't know what condition this baby will be in because we don't know anything about its wellbeing since the snake-bite except that it's had a stable heart rate. The baby simply doesn't need any more stress. So, for multiple reasons, I think the baby needs to be born by c-section. I have to have your consent as Miss Everdeen's husband since she can't give consent herself. Do I have your consent?"

The doctor sounded urgent about the matter. Peeta looked unsure.

"Well, what about Katniss?" Peeta asked quietly, "Is it best for her?"

"It's surgery for her." The doctor admitted.

Peeta gave me a puzzled look.

Realizing he was asking for my help, I said, "I think she'd agree to the c-section, Peeta."

I hoped I wasn't interfering too much, but I felt certain that Katniss would want to give the baby the best chance to survive. The protective instincts of a mother were not something Peeta could be expected to understand, especially in his current state of mind.

Peeta, who had apparently been holding his breath, exhaled deeply.

"OK." He said. "Just take good care of them."

"We will." The doctor said as he hurried down the hall.

Several other people dressed in white quickly took Katniss down the hall in the same direction the doctor had gone. Peeta looked at me, his teeth pushed deeply into his lower lip.

The attendant who had projected the image of the baby on the screen walked over to Peeta.

"You know it's a girl, don't you?" She asked.

"No, I didn't." He said.

And for the first time since this nightmare began, I saw Peeta smile.


	24. Chapter 24

(Point of View: Beetee)

I watched Peeta as he sat in a green plastic chair waiting to hear if the baby had been delivered. His elbows rested on his legs near his knees. His head rested in his hands. Peeta had been very distant on our trip to District 13. I thought he was just worried, but he seemed confused a few times. Delly was watching him closely. Peeta had smiled when the ultra-sonographer told him the baby was a girl, but soon afterwards his eyes exhibited a dazed look again. Delly seized the opportunity to try to get him to talk about the baby. She noticeably steered the conversation away from Katniss.

_Peeta must normally be much better than this._ I thought. _Otherwise Delly would not be so animated about his current demeanor. She's trying to keep him from losing it._

I hadn't been aware of Peeta's marriage to Katniss. He must have improved greatly since the last time I saw him_. _Otherwise, I doubt they would have married. The last time I saw Peeta he could barely have a conversation with Katniss. It sounded like they'd been able to rebuild their relationship, and I was glad for them.

I felt a little guilty that I hadn't thought of Peeta and Katniss much since the war ended. On the other hand, I'd never been good with people. I did pay attention to Katniss' trial and was pleased that she was not severely punished for executing President Coin. Make no mistake about it, it was an execution. It was not an assassination. President Coin would have been almost as bad as Snow. She would have stamped out our fledgling democracy. She had lived a cold, austere, militaristic, District 13 life for too long to understand freedom. We needed fresh ideas and full district participation. Coin would not have allowed that. She would have become a dictator and made District 13 the new "capitol" to rule over the other districts as well as the former "Capitol." Katniss did us all a favor by eliminating Coin. I assumed Katniss did it for personal reasons, but the effect was also political. I doubted if Katniss would ever understand how important her actions throughout the revolution were or recognize their impact on the formation of our new nation. She would almost certainly never be given credit. Peeta might understand, but he chose not to think about such matters much.

I turned my attention to Peeta again. He was very quiet. He stared down at the floor.

(Point of View: Peeta)

I felt my face crack into a smile as the woman at the hospital told me that the baby was a girl. I hadn't expected to know that information until after she was in our arms.

"A girl! Petta, that's so exciting!" Delly gushed.

I smiled more at Delly's reaction.

_I'll get to meet her soon_, I thought_. Maybe once she is born they can figure out what to do for Katniss._

I felt a lump in my throat. _Katniss, _I thought_. What is going to happen to her? _

Delly rambled about baby girls, but I stopped listening. She was just trying to distract me. I agreed that baby girls were wonderful anyway! I felt another smile involuntarily creep across my face. Looking down, I examined the green tiles that covered the floor. They were not completely green. They contained barely perceptible orange flecks. I thought about how Katniss had told me that her favorite color was green when we first started the Victory Tour. We'd gone to look at my paintings on the train that day too. Most importantly, we'd agreed to be "friends." We were never really friends though, not just friends. I loved her. I'd loved her so long that I'd forgotten what it was like to not love her. She just had to survive this. She had to…I didn't know how I would manage without her.

The red-haired doctor appeared again. He'd changed clothes and he had a mask hanging around his neck. His shoes were covered with some kind of cloth like covering. He waved to us enthusiastically.

"Good news." He said. "The baby is in ICU and doing as well as we can expect at 31 weeks. You can go and see her now. Miss Everdeen tolerated the surgery well. Her condition is unchanged regarding the snake bite and complications. We'll get a specialist to see her. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter." He waved again and was gone.

A smiling nurse appeared and announced that she'd take me to see the baby. I motioned for Delly to come along.

We arrived in a room with many hissing machines. I couldn't help but notice some very sick looking babies hooked up to many machines as we walked further inside. My anxiety grew. I wiped my sweaty palms on the sides of my pants. Then the nurse pointed out my daughter, who did not seem to need as many machines as some others. A sigh of relief left me. I stood a few feet away from the baby, but I could see her tiny form. I was nervous about going closer. _I wish Katniss were here, _I thought. _Katniss would want me to be with our baby though_.

"Is she alright?" I said to the nurse, looking towards my daughter.

"It isn't ideal to be born at 31 weeks, but we'll be helping her get through it. She's able to keep herself warm on her own; that's good. We're giving her a little oxygen though. We haven't tried to feed her yet. You can stay for that if you want."

I still felt confused. I didn't really know that much about babies. I certainly didn't know anything about premature babies! Plus, my mind was just a jumbled mess. I had to try hard to stay focused.

The nurse seemed to sense my insecurity. "Most babies born at 31 weeks with this kind of care go home and have a normal life. They simply have to stay here with us until they are developed enough to go home" She said.

_The baby will most likely live and be alright. That's what she's telling me. _I thought. My chest started to relax with the partial relief.

My eyes became moist, and the lump in my throat rose. I nodded to the nurse and took a few more steps forward. My daughter came into full view. She was small, but she was beautiful. I thought she looked most like Katniss.


	25. Chapter 25

(Point of View: Peeta)

While rocking our baby in the ICU, I thought about how I'd never liked rocking chairs. My mother had one. It was her chair. She never let anyone else sit in it. The cushion smelled musty, which shouldn't have even been possible above the dry heat of the bakery. I didn't even want to sit in my mother's rocking chair, but the fact that she wouldn't let me bothered me. I had no idea if she'd rocked me in that chair when I was a baby. I wished that I could ask my brothers or father if she had. Oddly, I didn't wish that I could ask my mother. She often misinterpreted harmless questions as accusations and replied with stinging remarks. I learned to avoid most conversations with her.

The rocking chair at my home with Katniss was a place of comfort for my wife. I was wary of it though; Katniss usually used the rocking chair when she was very sad. I had learned that too much sitting in the rocking chair by the fire was a warning that a downward spiral might be on the horizon. Rocking our baby gave me a new appreciation for rocking chairs though. I thought I might even learn to like them.

As we rocked gently the baby struggled to reach her most important goal at that time - learning how to drink from a bottle. She breathed well and maintained her temperature well most of the time. The bottle was more difficult for her. She couldn't go home until she mastered it. At first I felt completely inadequate in trying to help her learn, but I tried. Soon the nurses said the baby actually drank more for me than for them. So I came to visit at as many feeding times as possible. On that particular day, she seemed exhausted after a few minutes. She refused to drink any more despite my repeated attempts to feed her. That happened sometimes. She tired so easily. I couldn't help but think that I could relate. I was exhausted too. I held the bottle up to see how much she actually drank and found that it was more than she had the day before. Satisfied with her progress, I smiled down at her. Briefly, her gray eyes stared back up at mine. Then she closed them. I lifted her up to my shoulder and whispered in her ear about what a good job she'd done. I talked to her often. I didn't know whether or not that would seem odd to others, and I really didn't care. We both liked it. The baby was two weeks old already, and she hadn't even met her mother. I sighed and rocked a little more quickly since the feeding was over.

"How'd she do, Dad?" The baby's nurse asked.

"Very well." I said holding up the bottle. "She still needs to burp though."

"I'll take over if you want." The nurse said.

Grateful, I accepted the offer. I wondered if the nurse could see the exhaustion I was feeling. I wondered if she could see the conflicts in my mind. My biggest "conflict" was going to see my wife. I knew I should go to see Katniss, but I couldn't bring myself to do it some days. It was so difficult to watch her lie motionless, seemingly lifeless in a hospital bed. Delly stayed with her much of the time, but Delly would be leaving soon.

Why can't I be around Katniss? I asked myself. Is it because I love her too much or because I don't love her enough?

The doctors could not explain exactly why she remained unresponsive.

"Muttation copperhead bites are very unpredictable. Sometimes they cause a loss of function in only the limb that's bitten and sometimes they cause a kind of overall lack of function. I can't really tell you why she's unresponsive though. Again, these are very unpredictable situations." The specialist had told me. He made it very clear that he couldn't predict when or if Katniss would wake up. The only positive news was that the leg looked better than expected. The bite area itself was healing.

I forced myself to walk down the hall. I had to see Katniss no matter how hard it was for me.

(Point of View: Katniss)

I could hear muffled voices. Most of them were unfamiliar to me. I had no idea where I was, how I got there, or how long I'd been there. A soft surface was underneath me. It felt like a very soft bed. The voices usually came from in front of me as if the people to whom the voices belonged stood over me. Sometimes I felt hands move me, and it hurt. Other times I felt someone pinching my fingernail really hard, and I would pull it away. Pulling away wasn't under my control though. It just happened. The voices would mumble something I didn't understand. When I tried to move without any provocation, it seemed impossible. I did move my fingers a few times, but the voices did not mention it. Mostly, I just seemed in and out of sleeping. Nothing seemed to matter much.

Sometimes I would hear Delly or Peeta. It made my chest feel warm to hear their voices. I yearned to talk to them but couldn't. I made extraordinary efforts to move my fingers when I heard one of them, but they never mentioned it. One day Peeta's voice sounded different as soon as he started speaking. I felt his hair against my arm.

He probably has his head lying next to me. I thought. I wished that I could run my fingers through his hair.

His voice was desperate and pleading as he told me, "Katniss, I can't do this. Not by myself. I know you might think I can, but I can't. I need you. She needs you too."

He sounded so distraught. I struggled to move the hand nearest him. I wanted to comfort him so much, but the air around my hand didn't shift at all. It wasn't moving.

"I don't even know what she needs. I feel sorry for her that she only has…me…right now." He went on. I couldn't feel his hair on my arm anymore. The soft surface under me shifted. Peeta must have moved.

Who is he talking about? I thought. He couldn't be talking about the baby. I lost the baby. I haven't felt her move at all. There's no way she's still alive.

"She's so beautiful, Katniss. She looks so much like you. She has your eyes. They are the same color as yours, and they have that same intensity that yours have." His voice was really starting to fail him. He started whispering. He sounded hesitant, perhaps ashamed. "I don't want to accuse you of not trying hard enough." He paused before continuing, "but we both know that there have been times when you've given up. If you're giving up now then don't. If you can't survive for yourself or for me this time, survive for her. She's your daughter. She's worth it, and she needs you."

He is talking about our baby. I thought. Where is she? Where is she? She's not with me. I have to find her.

I felt an overpowering need to go and look for my baby. Of course, I couldn't. So I tried again to move my hand and reach out for Peeta. I knew that he would help me find our baby. My arm ached, but nothing stopped me. I felt the air shift around my hand as I managed to move it upwards. Then my hand plopped back down onto the bed.

I heard Peeta gasp. "Katniss, do that again. Please. Do that again." He said.

I tried. I really tried. I failed. I heard a beeping sound from behind me.

"What's going on in here?" Another voice said. "Her heart rate just shot up."

"She moved her hand." Peeta said frantically. "I swear. She lifted it off the bed an inch or two."

"Huh." The other voice said.

Then there were unfamiliar hands on me, and I felt someone pinching my fingernail very hard. My hand pulled away from the pain, involuntarily. A small moan left my raspy throat. The sound startled me. I'd been unable to make any sounds. Voices were speaking in hushed tones. I could only hear words and phrases.

"not sure…false hope…encouraging…need to see it for ourselves…not sure…can't tell you that."

Peeta's voice was there again. It was close to me, right beside my ear.

"Katniss," he said as he kissed the side of my neck, "just keep trying. I love you so much."


	26. Chapter 26

(Point of View: Katniss)

I tried to open my eyes to look at Peeta. I longed to see his face. Instead, I accomplished only a slight fluttering with my eyelids. The brightness that slipped into my vision sent a throbbing pain through my head that caused me to close my eyes tightly again. I made a small whimper of pain. Peeta squeezed my hand.

"That's good, Katniss. That's good." He said.

Even though Peeta seemed to find my ability to make any sounds at all encouraging, I felt that I was looking very weak by showing pain at such small efforts. I couldn't believe how helpless I was. Peeta kissed the back of my hand. He whispered about our baby as I drifted off to sleep.

I had no sense of time, but I remember Peeta being in the room again. It was a different day than the day when I lifted my hand. When he called my name, I managed to open my eyes ever so slightly and briefly.

He smiled lovingly. "That's my girl," He said.

Despite how distorted my vision was, seeing Peeta's face had never been more welcome.

"I brought my _other_ girl with me today. She _is_ half yours, after all. I can't keep her to myself forever." He explained jovially.

I sighed deeply. Knowing that Peeta had probably had to negotiate bringing our baby to see me, I felt extremely grateful to him. I gave Peeta the most enthusiastic smile I could muster, and it was entirely genuine. Weak as I was, I was so excited.

_Our baby, _I thought. _I am going to get to meet our baby._

I could see the bundle of blankets that I was sure contained her. I felt an intense yearning to hold her, and I concentrated very hard on lifting my arms. I should have known that I wouldn't come close to being able to bring my arms up into a cradling position, but I felt the need to try. Being able to raise my arms only halfway, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of powerlessness. Since I'd become more aware, I'd had to learn to cope with the fact that I was utterly dependent on others. I could do almost nothing for myself except change my position slightly. There was nobody in the world that I trusted to help me more than Peeta though.

Seeing my efforts, Peeta remarked, "That's good, Katniss. I saw that. I know you are trying hard. I'll help you."

_Thank God that he knows I am trying, _I thought_. _

It had broken my heart to hear him say that he thought I might have given up. I hadn't given up, not this time_._

Peeta sat down beside me on the bed. He turned me to my side slightly and lifted me up so that I was leaning against him. Peeta was stronger than the nurses. He moved me faster. It hurt more, and my thigh brushed across the sheet too harshly. I made a small sound of pain.

"Sorry. It will be worth it though." Peeta said softly.

I shifted my body slightly, proud that I could do so. My slight movements and gravity settled me against Peeta's chest. It was indeed already "worth it."

Peeta bent my elbow and placed his own bent arm underneath mine. He intertwined our fingers, his palm lying against the back of my hand. Then he placed the small bundle that he held with the other arm in the nook he'd created with our adjoined elbows.

"I told you she was beautiful," He said quietly as he kissed my cheek.

Although my vision was very blurry, I could make out the small figure that was my daughter. My emotions were indescribable. She did have gray eyes. She had Peeta's blonde hair though, and she seemed to have more hair than most babies I'd seen.

_Our baby._ I thought. _Our precious, precious baby._

"What do you think?" Peeta asked after a moment.

I let out the breath I'd been holding and closed my eyes thoughtfully. I felt him hold me tighter, a sign of compassion and love. He knew that I wished that I could explain with detail. In that moment, I was thankful that Peeta and I needed no words to communicate some emotions.

Peeta un-wrapped the soft green blankets that surrounded the baby with his free hand. The baby let out a cry. I shook slightly, afraid that I'd done something wrong. How could I have though? I could barely move.

_Peeta must have done something wrong!_ I thought comically.

"Oh, wait until you hear her _really_ cry; this is just a mild protest." Peeta said laughing. "She probably doesn't like this because it feels cold. We won't leave her uncovered for long though."

_Doesn't know what she needs, huh? _I thought sarcastically.

Peeta took my free hand in his. He put my hand near the baby's face and head. I managed to move my fingers enough to touch her by myself. My eyes quickly filled with tears and a tiny sob escaped my lips. I touched her cheek and felt her soft hair with my fingertips.

"Now both of my girls are crying," Peeta said as he pulled me tight again, causing the baby's position to change slightly.

The baby started to slip down my nearly useless arm, which was still being firmed supported by Peeta's. Peeta shifted the baby's weight so that she rested securely in our arms again. He seemed so comfortable holding her even in such an awkward position for him. I marveled at his confidence.

Peeta moved my hand so that my fingers ran across the back of the baby's hand. Then he turned my hand so that my fingers touched hers. To my surprise, the baby grasped one of my fingers tightly. Her eyes seemed bright with the happiness of being able to use this skill. She kicked her feet against my body. A feeling I'd only felt in twinges before started to build up inside me. I'd felt hints of it when I was pregnant, but when I held our baby for the first time it came to maturity. It was the love of a mother that I felt. It was far different from my love for Peeta, but it was just as strong.

I'd only managed to choke out a few Individual words to the nurse when I needed something before that day – "yes," "no," "cold," "hot," "hurt". Seeing our baby motivated me to make extraordinary efforts to ask Peeta the questions that had been weighing on my mind ever since I started to wake up in the hospital. I knew I was in a District 13 hospital because of how the room looked, but I didn't know much else.

"How long?" I said noticing that my voice sounded terribly raspy.

"2 1/2 weeks." He answered.

I shook my head, unable to believe it had been that long. My baby was 2 ½ weeks old already!

"What happened?" My throat was so dry and sore. They'd told me that would get better soon though.

"You were bitten by a copperhead. Remember? We brought you here to district 13. You had a

C-section to deliver the baby." Peeta said. He tucked a stray strand of my hair behind my ear with the

hand not supporting my arm and the baby.

"She's alright?" I said still staring at the baby.

"Yes. She was just too early, and she weighed only about 3 pounds. She's doing very well now though." Peeta said reassuringly.

I wanted to know more but decided to wait. It was enough information to know that she was doing well.

We sat there as a new family for a long time. I don't remember Peeta taking the baby out of my arms. I must have drifted off to sleep sandwiched between them.

Over the next few days and weeks, I slowly and painfully moved more. I talked more. Peeta encouraged me constantly. Sometimes he "encouraged" me too much! I'd shoot him looks that could kill! He didn't take them personally though. I was getting better, after all. The doctors told me they didn't know if I'd ever be quite back to "normal" again. Peeta pointed out that they also said the fact that I'd made so much progress was encouraging. I was beginning to wonder what "normal" was. All I really wanted was to be able to take care of myself and the baby. So I pushed myself to use eating utensils, to sit up, to stand up, and eventually to walk. Everyone said I was doing amazingly well, and I was glad they were so happy. I'd been through yet another ordeal in having our baby though, and what I wanted most was to leave the green tiled walls of the District 13 hospital to go home.

After a week more I felt comfortable holding the baby by myself. Up until that point I'd either held her with Peeta's help, or we propped her up beside me with pillows while Peeta sat nearby. I waited so long to hold her completely alone because her safety was more important to me than proving that I could hold her. I wouldn't lift or carry her at all. I was afraid my still somewhat feeble arms might give out or my coordination would fail. It was probably an unrealistic fear, but Peeta understood.

One day Peeta came in to see me. He was quiet; there was no gleeful "hello." He took my hairbrush from the table across from the bed and sat behind me. He began brushing my hair. It was a task I found difficult because I could not reach my arms far enough to do it properly. Then he braided my hair, which I am sure was difficult because my hair really hadn't been properly cared for in so long. Of course, I couldn't braid my hair yet either. Peeta tied the end of the long braid just as I had always done. My eyes moistened. The reason wasn't because I couldn't do those tasks myself yet, it was because my husband was thoughtful enough to think of doing them for me. How wonderful was that?

Then Peeta kissed me behind my ear and said softly, "We're leaving today?" My moist eyes quickly brimmed with tears of joy.

On the train to District 12 I caught sight of the mountains that the rock ledge overlooks. The valley quickly came into view too. It was autumn, and the trees had changed colors while we were in District 13. The mountains burst with colors: majestic reds, bright yellows and fiery oranges. The sun was just beginning to set, and the colors of the sunset contrasted beautifully with the many hues of the leaves. That peaceful feeling enveloped me again.

_These are my mountains._ I thought. _I can feel them in my bones._

I lifted the baby up to the window.

"This is home." I told her.

Peeta smiled. "Yes, it is," He said.

[The End]

[Please review and let me know how you liked the ending. It's always hard to end a story!]

[Note: Thanks to all of you who have read, reviewed and/or have taken an interest in this story. If you liked it, please tell your friends who are Hunger Games fans to read it too. Also, I am working on a new story, and if you are interested in my new story – you can put me in your "author alerts" – and then you'll be notified when it's published. I would love to have a beta reader for my new story. If you are interested in that then send me a message.]

[Disclaimer: All credit for Hunger Games goes to Suzanne Collins. I own nothing and no ownership is implied in this story. She's given us some wonderful characters to love.]


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